WTF-Day

I’ve lost track of days, to be honest working out simple things like “How do I start the car” or even “What’s my name” is pretty challenging right now.

I’m alive in a way I’ve never known before, my existence has been fundamentally altered in some way yet a-fucking-gain. When I’ve used terms such as “Mind Blown” or “Roller Coaster” previously I clearly had no idea what I was talking about and could not possibly conceive the depth or strength of sensations, emotions, physical experience that I am now aware of. It’s like someone has turned the lights on when I already thought the world was brightly lit. Blindingly illuminating an entire landscape I didn’t even know existed with colors and hues previously unknown, somehow lit in an extra dimension, like everything before was a crude monochrome two dimensional cartoon drawing and now, it’s true color in three dimensions.

She came (we lost count)….

Sorry… She came. Here. To this piece of the world, to my island, within ninety minutes travel of me, achievable, reachable, touchable.

I couldn’t wait, I ran. I ran to her. (Technically I drove but you understand the metaphor). I ran as fast and as hard as I could, broke all the rules and broke down all the doors, losing my shit as I was within a few yards, scoured the world for a parking space (thanks Universe). Then I was out and running (well doing “the walk”). Heart racing, blood pumping, stuff happening downstairs. I swaggered into the lobby like I owned the place and hit the lift, arriving at her floor, I turned the corner and saw her standing in the doorway, I stopped, frozen, stuck to the spot, with my best “cool” smile (fucking grinning uncontrollably)… In that moment, I had another one of those sensations like when I was barefoot in the garden. A universe altering, twisting of reality, the world coming into focus when I didn’t know it was blurry. I can see that vision now, clearly, in color, without closing my eyes. My fucking god (new phrase I learnt), my heart is pounding just thinking about it, my hands trembling on the keyboard, trying to do it some justice. I stepped into her arms and WHOOSH, the events of the next eight-seven hours and and fourteen minutes (give or take) spin our bodies, minds, emotions, existences into some kind of experience hurricane, tornado, singularity. Fuck it. Words fail me here.

We began with a large drink and small talk but our attempts to resist getting physical fell by the wayside and we realized we weren’t actually trying very hard to resist at all. Every moment, experience, touch, sensation, indelibly burnt into my memory, I can recall so much detail about the sites, sounds, smells, every-fucking-thing with absolute clarity but thinking about it as a whole is a blur. My vision was actually blurry standing by that window, staring into those beautiful eyes, losing myself in her, (before physically losing myself in her), I’ll not forget the view of that moment, her beautiful face and the view from the window. The smell of her skin, the taste of our drinks, the touch of her lips, the taste of her mouth. The taste of her mouth as we kissed, with a swig of alcohol in our mouths, dribbling down our chins as we decided, nothing-fucking-matters and anything-fucking-goes. The blurry, technicolor, brighter than life, fundamentally changing experience drew us in like a whirlpool.

Afternoon turned to night and night turned to day, we made each other smile, laugh, shout (scream), a few tears, can I go as far as to say “come”? There was an awful lot of all of that (especially the latter) and more, more, more. Grinning, side smiling, eye locking, barely perceptible nodding, swearing, name calling, my fucking god (there it is again), words fail me. Fuuuck………… Waking in each others arms was just like our previous drifting in sleep, continents apart, except for everything we could (and had) fantasized was within our reach and, to be honest, we made a significant dent in replaying a large number of those for real <blush>. Drifting into morning with you in my arms you beautiful thing, is quite simply the most perfect thing I have ever experienced, “Bliss” doesn’t even touch it.

Every day deserves it’s own post but for now I’ll just say that every moment, interaction, alone time, tourist time, date night time, business time, grocery shopping time felt like just that, a date. Heart stopping (I actually had palpitations at several points), jaw dropping, getting to know you exhilarating, scary, embarrassing, hilarious, sexy, steamy, words fail me, series of moments. I probably missed you more (worse) during those moments where I could see you but couldn’t touch you or I knew you were in the building but couldn’t see you than I do when you are at home in that indescribably distant place.

More to come, a single post cannot do this justice.

She’s gone.

In the blink of and eye it’s behind us, as we stand in Gatwick departures, waiting to say goodbye but finding one more thing to talk about, one more thing to mention, one more kiss, one more.. fuck it.. excuse to not say it. Goodbye. Bam, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Fuck you universe, you’ve given me what I wanted and taken it away. Ouch. Fucking, fucking, fuck. Ouch.

I can’t brimg myself to look at flight stats, i know you are too far away, I don’t want to think about it. Just know I’m here in tears.

Thank you, for being real, for coming here, for sharing it all, for keeping (and losing count) for , for , for. My existence is fundamentally altered. I love you.

Universe, you never cease to amaze me. Thank you, I’m back and putting everything in your hands. Help.

Fuuuck

Dimanche

She’s here.

Awake since.. Well, let’s just say I probably need to catch up some sleep at some point, next year perhaps. Drifting and waking, as seems so normal these days, I keep checking the time and trying to work out where she is. I’ve switched from checking departures to arrivals and then happened across “flightstats” which shows real time information and allows me to see exactly where she is, how fast she’s going, what altitude she is at and.. most importantly, what time she’ll land. This is fantastic, additictive, terrible for sleep. I drift, listening to an audio book with my phone held to my chest, each time I drift awake I check and she’s closer but still agonizingly far away, there is a lot of water on this planet!

I feel like I need to do something, so I try to write, send a message for her to read when she lands but, nothing does it justice. Putting myself in her beautiful place, no doubt weary, jet lagged, uncomfortable, in the wrong time zone and wonder what she might want to see when she lands. I think of what I’d do if I were there to meet here and at just before 4AM, I have an idea. I slip downstairs naked and find a pen and paper, I set about my task, grinning, stepping back to admire my handiwork, I think of her smiling.

After that moving vision, it took a little while to compose myself but eventually I continued with the next part. Setting the camera angle up took a while and I toyed with showing enough of me so she’d know I was naked and thinking of her (bad man) but figured that would spoil the intention and a hint was quite enough to activate her own imagination. So there I stood, naked in my kitchen holding a sign (which I’m rather proud of) as if I were there at the arrivals gate. It only took two attempts before I got a pic I was pleased with (in my 4AM slumber face). Posted it to her and went back to bed to lay and drift some more, content that I’d got as close as I possibly could to welcoming her in the way I wanted.

I finally got up after 6AM, her plane now very close to my airspace and I couldn’t even drift any more. I pottered and paced, making useless lists and checking the flight status now and again. At 7:12 I checked and it was as if the pilot had diverted to do a fly past. I KID YOU NOT, I took a picture of the screen as I knew no-one would believe me basically, no sooner had the plane arrived in my county, it took a right turned and had headed my way before continuin on to it’s destination. I went out the back door and to the very top of the terrace, barefoot scnning the lightly clouded skys for a contrail. I can;t be sure but I swear to the almight universe herself, I saw your plane in the distance. Not a lot of air traffic about and the direction of travel and position in the sky seemed right. I really can’t be sure but it seemed like a pretty unlikely coincidence. Just about to go back inside, that moment, that happening just did something to me, a dizzying, surreal, world changing sensation. Like awakening from a dream so real, you weren’t sure if you had fallen asleep again. I stood unable to move as my consciousness managed to play out the sheer dizzying scale of distance, perspectives, coincidence, universal alignment.

This is what my brain did..

A man stands, barefoot in his garden, staring up across the sky, god knows how many miles away, there is a dot in the sky, with a white plume of condensation behind it, zooming in like something from a film, the plane takes shape and I can see the windows, through the window in to the cabin, I see her face, clearly, sharp in focus, weary but peaceful, beautiful as ever, and then perspective sweeps again and I am out, above the plane high in the sky looking back at the world as I see the enormity of the 6000 mile journey, the scale of the planet. The plane, the window her face, the man, barefoot.

Words cannot express how visceral, real, surreal and moving that, that, whatever the fuck that was. I stood unable to move for a moment, afraid I’d fall, although who knows where, perhaps up? Which way is up again? I’ve got shivers down my back just explaining it again. Fuck. This will take a while to process..

She’s here.

Welcome my world (universe) changing, incredible, beautiful, jet-lagged, unbelievably sexy, crazy girl. I hope you get to your hotel soon and get some rest, something tells me you are going to need it 🙂

Universe, what the fuck? Seriously? That felt like a fucking vision, full on higher power just showed me something that my tiny mind could not have imagined or conceived on it’s own. Thank you, I think?! My mind is going to take a while to recover from that one. Regardless, thank you for getting her to the right time-zone, please help her sleep.

Jeudi

4 (3?) days and counting

Seems like I’m a day out of sync with the world. Constantly thinking about the day ahead and processing the day before. Not to mention working out what day or time it is 6000 miles away. Jeudi = Thursday but actually, most of what I’m writing about is yesterday (Mecredi / Wednesday) as the most important parts of my current day happen later (Am I making any sense – even I’m confused).

I’ll just let you into a secret that I’ll tell you about later / tomorrow when today will be yesterday.

I’ve got a plan.

It’s been building and growing in my head since 5AM, it’s universally awesome, scary, intense but I’m sold. Super me is strong today. Probably on the back of an amazing day yesterday, which I will now tell you about, leaving you with the suspense of today until tomorrow. (with me?)

Yesterday was another good day. Good doesn’t even come close. incredible, amazing. I’m using these words so often they are losing power. I’m going to have to invent some more words soon. Starting here where I left off yesterday (?) having read her words and had to get up, wash my face and button it down, my day began in someone else’s house. Someone else’s bathroom, kitchen, family, breakfast, coffee. Lovely people, lovely home, just not mine. Makes for an interesting, amusing, somewhat surreal start and as we headed out to commute to our meeting, the world had a magical sheen to it (nothing to do with sleep deprivation – honest). Heading in to London on a beautiful sunny day is always great for me, I find that I can easily replace words like “nervous” or “anxious” into “excited” and “passionate” here because, it brings out the latter in me and, having grown up in London suburbs, it always feels like home.

Business was good, positive meetings and brilliant interactions with trusted peers and customers. Finished on time and everyone, thankfully, went their separate ways meaning I could spend some time with her. I immediately set about organizing a time to talk while working on a virtual tour of some of favorite spots. As we spoke, I recounted my tears of earlier and we felt so close, I felt as though we were hand in hand as I(we) walked along the Thames and I described what I was seeing so we could enjoy them together. The warmth of the sun, the buzz of the South bank and the sites of sounds of the city going about it’s business felt like a reflection of my soul as I swaggered, smiling about the place, whispering in each other’s ears. I want so much to replay this stroll (swagger / float) with her in person but I have a suspicion we’ll have trouble emerging from behind closed doors long enough to travel more than a few hundred yards when she comes here, but let’s see. Did I mention she is coming.here.for.fucking.real, perhaps I did!

Knowing me as you do, I ask lots of questions, I’m building up my multi dimensional view of that which I adore and the questions will inevitable range dramatically based upon my mood, location, current focus and train of thought. Everything from “what are you wearing” to “What part of you do you need support with”, “Where are you” to “Tell me about your family”. Everything in between, up above, round the back and in the mirror. I am a little relentless with my questions, sorry. Inevitably, I’ll inadvertently stumble on something that causes me some misgiving, wishing I hadn’t headed down a particular path. I did this today, I’ll chalk it up to misunderstanding, clumsy questioning, stupid fucking bastard cunting fucking network cutting in and out so we had to keep repeating questions and answers, our voices no longer conveying the right tone. I shed a few more tears I’ll have you know, in a busy London station, standing at the side of the hustle and bustle, proper water running down my face. Crazy shit. 

Three words, came out of the noisy phone line (yes, resorted to direct cell phone) and only in one ear because one of my bluetooth earphones had run out of charge, three little words as I pressed the headset to my ear. Saved, my heart sang again, my inner demon’s slayed (fuck you demon voice). we talked quickly, riding this wave of positivity, washing away the doubt and embracing something different. I sensed a sexual turn in conversation and ran with it, Ran hard and fast, surfing that wave now owning like some kind of phone based sexual master, we were on fire. The crowds a blur to me, pacing to avoid anyone over hearing, fuck me. That was a serious few moments. Bounced back from that terrible dead end alley, triumphant but also with another depth or dimension (as if that were possible). I didn’t realize it then but it was the seed for the idea at 5AM.

That’s not the end by any means but it’s what I wanted to mention, needless to say, I swaggered and floated home from here, we even spoke electronically and by voice again during my slog home. Floating through the door, timezones were on my side as she helped me through a difficult evening with some words of her own.

My love (yup), I am honored to have your words shared with me, those personal insights meant so much. I’m sad for stupid networks and clumsy directions but not sad what we did to rescue it. A new dimension indeed. Thank you for being my everything. My universal power source, things falling into place fast and furious right now, thanks to you.

Universe, I’m seriously starting to run out of words to say to you. It feels like we just know each other now. By the way, I spotted the book dedication, that was obscure, really, WTF.

Words

The power of words is something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about in the last few weeks. From writing here (which is really just an outlet for my subconscious) through communicating with colleagues, peers, prospective employees to finally (most importantly) maintaining the most incredible, fundamentally life changing, makes my soul sing, relationship that the universe has been kind enough to guide me into.

I’ve always, read and re-read the written word whether it be a fact, fiction or email especially when I’m trying to decipher the mood and intent of the writer. Often when I’m trying to write with the correct tone, gravitas, pitch I will write and re-write, the final outcome completely different to the first draft, but now it’s more, so much more.

I’ve found that a single word, sometimes two (or three as a good minimum) can have a profound effect on the mood of the receiver, waves of pleasure, heart skipping a beat, butterflies. In the last couple of days I’ve been trying to train myself to ensure I read and write with a positive mind, simply because, like walking around like the universe has your back, the world responds accordingly. It seems to be working.

The beautiful, incredible, complicated, adorable, gorgeous, sexy, shining light in my life has found us generating our own vocabulary, these words or phrases carry an order of magnitude more power than the silly mundane stuff all the others speak. “Have I told you I love you?”, “I think  I might keep you”, “It’s cute you think you have a choice”. Heart stopping, every.fucking.time.

We’ve even got our own set of acronyms, started at first as a series of code words but now, they act as a distillation or even concentration of the emotion or feeling they convey. Like their power is an inverse of their size, infinite bundles of emotion and passion in just a few letters. It started with “CS” which was quite simply the theme for all of this. Describing the paralyzing sensation of our aching souls reaching out across the distance, it characterizes me spending all my waking hours thinking of her, her eyes, her hair, her face, her body, her voice, her laugh, her lips (hold that thought), her language, her mood, basically everything.fucking.thing.about.her in great detail. You wouldn’t think it was possible to convey that in just two little letters but we both know, and it still stops me in my tracks. There are others and there will be more, so many more. 

NFM…AFG… These are particularly powerful and I won’t dilute them with a description it is personal & private to us, needless to say, surpassing all boundaries.

The power of words comes into it’s own when we are both hyper sensitized to one another, when speaking and even texting I find myself knowing how she is feeling and what she is thinking, happy, sad, smiling laughing, biting her lip in that OH.SO.FUCKING.HOT.WAY it’s like a sixth sense, perhaps a universal bonding, a quantum connection. I decided I would see how powerful our bond and the words within it could be and I made a plan. After waiting impatiently for her to wake for what felt like forever I was actually so nervous, like a first date, or that first time you get undressed in front of someone you love, my heart was pounding.

It started… I was direct, firm, assertive explaining exactly what the rules were. I began talking descriptively and rhythmically in time with my walking pace, not stopping, describing the scene, the actions, the sensation, every detail, not stopping, rhythm, rhythm, 1,2,3,4 1,2,3,4. Asking question, describing motions, describing the feelings she should be having, not stopping, not stopping, rhythm, asking, telling….. 

And then it happened, she felt what I said she would, she reached a crescendo without touch, purely mental effort, my words like treacle, or magic, or some.fucking.thing. It was more powerful than I could have hoped and certainly more than than we ever imagined, I’d found a new super power, pretty fucking potent one too but it’s just for us, one of many private, personal, intimate super powers.

It’s time to sign off. Let it be known I could talk on this subject for hours (especially the latter) but I want to keep it short. Saving some for another time seems appropriate.

To my incredible love, I love the power our words have, it’s like a public code that no one knows. We can say simple things that are mundane to others but have physical effects on each other, we have our own condensed, super charged words and phrases that span dimensions with their power. I Thank you from the bottom of my soul for being my universal partner. I love you. CS

Universe, you still keep it coming, don’t you? Thank you, truly.

 

Mecredi

5 days

Another day, another high, another dimension, another depth of connection reached.

Once again, the universe laid the day out ahead of me and then stood behind me while it played out. Tiny points in the day, markers that I’ve got support from the “Truman Show” nod from the guy in the morning (I bet I never see him again) to the offer of water at my first meeting. Not a luke warm plastic cup but a chilled single serving bottle of sparkling Pellegrino. (Thanks Universe, I grinned as I sipped my favourite water). Meeting over I swaggered my way to our meeting space and grabbed something super tasty (and healthy) for lunch. Excusing myself to take my most important meeting of the day, I walked the courtyard in the sun as we spoke.

Shit is real.

I’d been missing her badly today, don’t know why for sure but it presented my with physical symptoms. I wasn’t going to mention it but that felt dishonest. You didn’t disappoint you beautiful thing, making it alright again. I felt calm and grounded listening to your words. Thank you.

We talked during her commute, the usual interwoven pathways, meandering thoughts, random questions, probing, silly, deep, sexy. The best roller coaster. Ending our conversations is getting harder each time but we also seem better at accepting the inevitable rush of emotion as we hang up. Not long until the next call, even if it is business.

I did the visualization thing yesterday for career guidance and guess what, someone texted me showing an interest in hiring me, an old recruiter friend invited me for a drink and my boss gave me a half decent pay rise. FFS

Destiny provided us with plenty of time to talk and despite frustratingly poor connection we dived deeper still. She takes my breath away.

The final piece of the fantastic day was spending one hour, sixteen minutes and fifty seven seconds, talking quietly, intimately with her while I lay in bed. So close yet so far, mind blowing.

Signing off is getting harder.

Hey you, baby. I started my day reading your personal intimate journal and I cried. Thank you for sharing, I feel so close to you now. I’m holding my breath (not broken our pact yet either)

Universe, you beautiful, infinite thing. I’m speechless. Thank you!

Mardi

6 days and counting.

Another beautiful day, the sun is shining and I’m up and out, ready for adventure. The drive to the station was incredible as always, great views, countryside, wildlife. The most poignant moment was as I hopped in the car, turned the key and the most relevant song was playing on the radio.

“Marshmello – Here with me”

For a simple pop song it manages to hit the nail on the multi-faceted head. I hum along dreamily as I drive carefully, my visual cortex seriously multi tasking while I visualise her face, eyes, smile in every detail. The road seems to take second priority (as everything should where she’s involved). My destination materialises as if by magic and I park the car grinning. Super-me is in fine form and I do “the walk” to the platform.

It’s fascinating to me how the world now works with me. I glance at people with curiosity and something about my face or demeanour seems to have them smile and sometimes even nod as if they know me. Surreal, when everything sort of fell into place this morning, it felt like the Truman show basically everything staged for me. Eerie sensation. Once again, logic suggests no such thing of course but it’s a serious distraction to think it is and, I really embrace all distractions right now!

I wanted to talk about the “universal jigsaw” concept that forming in the depths of my mind but I can’t seem to find the words right now, just ponder the notion of a universal, multi-dimensional jigsaw we could call life. Few are aware it’s there, they live their life unknowingly. But, it’s like I caught a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye, a shadowy mass as i blink, I can perceive all the pieces now, and they feel like they are coming together, like something powerful, all changing, building and building towards some kind of ecstatic happening. Deep huh.

I’m now hurtling across the countryside with my random, temporary fellow travellers, passengers talking, working, eating sleeping. I catch glimpses of their lives, fascinating. Time to sign off, and focus on the job at hand, London is calling.

Universe, I bow to you. This reality make the rest of my life pale into insignificance, thanks for the wonders of this time and thanks for having my back.

To you, her, she that changed the fundamentals of my existence, rocks my world, makes my body swell (yup, on the fucking train too). I’m keeping you!

“Can I tell you something just between you and me?
When I hear your voice, I know I’m finally free
Every single word is perfect as it can be
‘Cause I need you here with me”

X

Lundi

7 days and counting.

Have I really been writing this blog for a week? Feels like forever, well, at least I can’t seem to summon up what it was like before in any meaningful way. Just writing my thoughts, experiences, ideas and feelings in pseudo public is such a fantastic outlet. It’s not just the writing causing these feelings of course but I’ve never felt so alive, so switched on, my brain and body just feel…. Activated. So strange that these universal concepts I’ve been writing about feel so freakishly normal, I must be driving those around me to distraction. All I will say is… It’s working, it really is. The world (universe) is changing  around me and it feels like it’s at my request. So, it may as well be.

This weekend was simply…. mind blowing, after a faltering start, it turns out that the visualization I’ve been working on presenting as a request to the universe has been accepted and facilitated. Ask me about the visuals I used, it’s cute, sexy, funny. 

She….Is….Coming.

I still can’t get my head around that concept, the world changing, mind blowing, reality twisting, beautiful catalyst for my awakening, is coming. Here. For Real.  What.The.Fuck.

I keep trying to hold that piece of news in my head and it’s like it won’t fit, the infinite dimensions of my internal imagination just cannot quite encompass something so freakishly, universally, significant.

I’m trying to work it through a tiny piece at a time but that’s not working either, my imagination keeps exploding into a myriad of choices, options possibilities, alternatives. As an example, just running the scenario of the first moment of meeting in person is on about version one hundred and fifty seven, each completely perfect in it’s own right but my mind won’t leave it alone to move onto the next part. I think that’s what makes it impossible to comprehend. Every second, every moment, has an infinite possibility, each one potentially universally significant in it’s own right. 

Breath…

I’ve been gently trembling since about 4AM, it’s not altogether unpleasant it’s an incredible physical reminder of the effect she has on me which is so mind-boggling because we’ve only really “touched” (in the truest physical sense of the word – pretty sure you know what I mean) on “one” occasion but I can see, feel, smell everything about her without even closing my eyes, literally, feel her skin under my fingers as I type this. It’s surreal, like I am here and there at the same time. Slightly concerned that the world may just fold into some kind of singularity when we are allowed to touch again. If that does happen and we inadvertently destroy the world as we know it, just know I’m sorry, I’m willing to take the risk.

Power

I keep saying that I feel we could do anything when we are together, or I can do anything when her hand is in mine. I know this can be chalked up to romanticism, brain chemicals, libido etc etc, but much like the universal super powers I’ve found and have subsequently changed my life, I’m going to call bullshit on the world of logic and see if I can’t prove it. At the end of the day, we make our own destiny, we shape our reality, every moment of every day and if I believe we can do anything, then we can, and will. Watch.this.space

Thank you crazy, sexy, beautiful, very very bad girl. Changer of worlds and universal stimulant. I am on my knees with anticipation.

Universe, what the actual fuck? Thank you, you came through even as I gave up for a fleeting moment. This shit really is starting to get real.

 

 

Sunday

Shit.Just.Got.Real.

Universe, you’ve pulled it off. She’s coming, she’s coming, she’s coming.

Today must feature in the “hall of fame” for all time favourite and world changing days of my entire life. Once again, I stretch the “day” by using time zones to my advantage. Expanding or contracting a day by six hours either end works well to compartmentalize a day to include the things of interest. I said yesterday that I had turned my back on the universe because I was sad but also, I had a sneaking suspicion she had a surprise in store for me.

Shit.Just.Got.Real. She’s coming.

Sunday was a good day, I drifted my way into the morning. A little hungover to be honest, I’d finished Saturday off playing music a little too loud and drinking a little too much. Anyone would think I was celebrating. Did I mention, someone is coming…..

I did a little daydreaming and drifted off to sleep again, several times, each time my subconscious dealing with something related to the universal change coming. Work dreams, musical dreams, sexy dreams, dreams that made me wake up with “Oh.. Ohhh.. Well that’s new…”. Reality changing dreams.

If I use the timezones to my advantage and start early and end late, we made love (of sorts) at least three times. This is (as is becoming a theme) a good minimum.

I had parenting wins, doting son wins, family wins, I saw most of my immediate family and I spoke to them with smiles and hugs, I fixed bicycle punctures and walked with my daughter and talked about her exams, I hugged my mum and told my sister that she shouldn’t live her life miserable. The day was blessed, amazing, uncontested best fucking day so far. Everything seemed to fall into place, all the universal superpowers I’ve been going on about basically played together like a symphony of coincidence, good luck and, lets face it, love. I’ve once again felt so many emotions in a single day (18 – 32 hours depending how you play the timezones) that my head, heart and body is spinning. If I told you about the grocery store, you’d blush but I’m still walking on air to be honest. That place will never be the same again (I’m grinning just writing these words)

I’m humbled, floating on clouds, I can do anything, I’m not worthy, I’m a super hero, I’m petrified, I am going to change the world. Shit, I can’t conceive the next chapter. I’m grinning inside and out.

Baby, thank you. I am lost for words today. Chairs play a special part of my life now, as do grocery checkouts. You consistently bring out the best, worst, craziest, naughtiest in me. You complete me. Too much?

Universe. I can’t believe this is happening, this chapter in the world (universe) is surreal, life changing, incredible. Thank you.

Saturday

Void

noun

1. a completely empty space.”the black void of space”

I’ve pretty much been awake since 2AM, drifted a little and listened to an audio book or two but mainly I’ve been trying not to be lonely. By 4AM I’d given up and started watching a film on Netflix. Somewhere in the dialogue someone said something about “being alone doesn’t mean you are lonely” or something along those lines and it struck the opposite chord with me. Here I am surrounded by people, family, colleague, pets and yet I feel heart-wrenchingly alone, nothing to do with the attention of those around me just that the one person on this planet that I want (no need) to be with more than anything else is not here. Not just another place but another country, another timezone, another world, another life.

There are times where we overlap, both at work or both at home but mainly it’s some kind of universal inverse. I’ll try to be positive, there are some benefits, when she wakes up, I’ve been thinking about her all night / day (whichever works) so I’m full of things to talk about (probably way too much) or when I’m lagging in the afternoon at work, she is fresh and professional. When I’m finished for the day I can stay and be playful to make her afternoon (and pulse) go a little quicker.

There are times in between that are tortuous, horrendous, abysmal for both of us. Half present in our respective worlds and snatching the odd moment to catch up with not-even-close-to-enough-words before being caught in the whirlwind of daily noise and getting drunk, falling asleep; in my case, often both. I know we both read these half texts multiple times, picturing what the other is doing and what did they really mean by “Nice” or “later”, why are they not answering? Why have they “read me off”?, my evil bastard of an inner demon instantly presents me with nightmare scenarios and subtexts to fill in. My god, the feelings are visceral, physical, at times unbearable. And then, as if by magic, I’m flying, a good knot in my stomach as I see the little animation “My Goddess is typing …”

The roller coaster is real, the highs are getting higher and the exhilarating rushes are getting longer and more intense. The lows are less frequent (due to some careful management of my demons) but somehow much, much worse. I need to work on those but I think it’s a side effect of the increased depth of feelings. The one thing I know for sure is we are riding this together, its gravity defying, world distorting, twists, turns and loops are part of this normal now, I’m loving every terrifying, electrifying, mind blowing minute of it.

Yesterday was an incredible journey that I’ll not write about today but it should be known that I experienced a ridiculously broad spectrum of emotions. I laughed, I cried (sobbed), I was proud, I was terrified, I was crushed, I was horny, I was in love….. None of these were fleeting samples of emotion or just a little feeling they were ALL deep, all-encompassing soul changing, full body sensations which once again changed my normal for good. Interesting times is a fucking understatement.

I could write for hours but it’s time to sign off. Time for the incremental refueling to see me through the long haul of the weekend.
Last night, I turned my back on the universe as I felt she wasn’t listening. I need to fix that if I’ve any hope of getting through unscathed!

To my incredible goddess, my inspiration, you are the source of my creativity, my reason for being, the cause of my never ending – newly found libido. I’ll do my best to be the best version of me, you make me feel worthy, worthwhile, special. Did I tell you that your rock my world (universe)?

To the universe, I apologize for allowing my faith to slip, I need your help more than ever. I’ll be offering my burdens and begging your forgiveness today, help a guy out!

Friday

What’s normal anyway? Three weeks ago normal was a very different thing. Looking back, it seems to me that I was present in the world (universe) on a different plane of existence. Nothing has physically changed except EVERYTHING has changed. The universe I knew then is so fundamentally different I find it hard to conceive the way it was, it is like someone twisted the frequency knob on the great universal dial. It’s amazing, incredible, exhausting, exhilarating and now it feels like I’m falling into a new “normal”. The week has developed a new schedule, frequency, cadence, new highs and lows, new timings, new…everything.

Friday was always a good day, end of the week, wind down, people a little bit happier, anticipating the weekend but I now wake (at 5:30 AM!) with a knot in my stomach. I’m not sure when I’ll speak with my catalyst of change, my universal goddess, the cause of my awakening. Someone else has the slice of time that has become the new cornerstone of my day. Those precious minutes I think about with excitement all morning, when they arrive, time stands still and the universe swallows us whole, when they end it’s heart wrenching but afterwards the world is a bit brighter, and that precious time is like a universal fuel for my being, powering me for the rest of the day. And now it’s Friday, I’m running on empty, yearning is another new norm which today will continue with uncertainty until we can perhaps snatch a moment or two.

Am I jealous of those that steal her time, angry at them? No. The me from the old world would be, this one not so much. She’s told me with words, spoken and unspoken, actions, real and fantasised that she feels the same for me as I do for her. My super-me knows, I’ll be dominating her thoughts and she’ll be yearning too. That doesn’t make it ok, it tears me apart, but I feel sure she’d rather be with me and that helps.

I’m pacing my empty house naked, just me and the dog awake, telling myself she’ll work us into a plan today and we can refuel together for the long haul journey ahead of us that I’m working hard to ignore…. The weekend. The old happy time, relaxing and doing things you want to do, doing less, doing nothing. The new void, like someone has pressed the pause button, I no longer enjoy the weekend, I endure it. I’ll admit that I struggle to not be jealous at the weekend as others get to dominate her time and schedule but I guess the same is true in reverse. She should know I’m not present in this place during the weekend, my spirit reaches out on some astral plane trying to connect and escape the void. Perhaps this one will be different I’ll make some recommendations to the universe, that should work. I’ll write here whatever.

So now to fuel. Focussing my entire self on the tiny and mundane, like drops of glucose on the tongue of my soul. The smell and taste of my coffee, the feel of the shower on my face, the pride in my flat stomach as I wash, the accidental swelling as I stand under the water and think of her… These things, in tiny increments, fuel me enough for the next leg of the journey.

Yesterday was a great day, I got to speak with her for hours, we talked of favourites, love, inspiration, logistics, travel plans, sex… Depending how you work the time zones, we made love (of sorts) at least three times (which is a good minimum).

I told her I worship her and she told me that was ok, she liked that I could tell her that her picture drives me crazy (see what I did there). I told her that I was not worthy. She said she felt the same about me and she liked it when I was self assured, a good catch, she told me I shouldn’t feel unworthy, that I’m smart, amazing, talented. I felt a shift then, tiny almost imperceptible but with fundamental, monumental, universal effects. She will always be my goddess and I’ll worship her endlessly.. but.. If there is balance, then I am her king… That changes everything… EVERYTHING… AGAIN. I’ll be pondering this…

So now I am up and out, walking the dog, enjoying his doggy joy. (Another fuel of mine) and working to sign off this post.

To my goddess, I am humbled by you. I feel sure with your hand in mine our power is beyond compare. We can do anything and I feel sure we will. Thank you for conjuring a new normal, the world (universe) will never be the same again.

Thank you universe as always.

The weekend is a burden to me, I commit that to you. I’m in your hands.