Thursday

Surreal…

I fell asleep at gone midnight. I was awake late talking to her, the person who makes my soul sing, activates my super powers and awakens my body more than I’ve known *blush*. I was in a funny place, feeling less than worthy of her attentions. Her beauty, intellect, strength make me weak and sometimes I struggle to believe I’m good enough for her. She sent me pictures of her, smiling, laughing one of just how she was right then, a normal selfie. I felt (and feel) weak, inadequate looking at them. Don’t get me wrong, I love them and would physically restrain anyone who tried to take them from me, I’m at a slightly low ebb and circumstance has just conspired to batter my confidence a little, causing me to doubt my self (you know me right).

Re-reading the texts this morning is beautiful, moving sexy and achingly sad. I remember writing the words which seemed ok at the time but I now clearly read my negativity and insecurity in the subtext. I know she knows me and her beautiful responses were all aimed at bolstering my mood but I’m so afraid of making this less than great for her. God I love her. I’m grumpy with myself about it and I’ll do better, be better, be worthy of her if it’s the last thing I do.

This is my way of shouting from the rooftops, telling the world (universe) about this incredible soul I’ve met, how she makes me feel, how she affects my body and how sometimes (a lot) I don’t believe it’s real, the events in the past few days have me tired and confused making things even more surreal then usual. Would you believe I was wide awake at 5:30, wtf?

So today, I’m going to try a reset, forget the negativity and low self esteem and embrace the positive. She IS amazing, she IS beautiful, she IS smart and she IS oh.so.fucking.sexy. She says she wants me, she says she needs me, she says I drive her crazy so I’m going to stick with believing that. Anxiety voice, inner demon voice, you can fuck.right.off, you are spoiling this, you are spoiling me and lets face it… I really need to be my best if I’m to shine in this incredible woman’s world.

I’m going to drag myself out and walk the dog, march in the forest to shake my super up.

Only six hours until she wakes….

Thank you, crazy, incredible beautiful sophisticated girl. You make me strive to be better and to beat my demons. Thank you for clinging on to this roller coaster while I do. I’m so grateful for you.

Thank you universe for distorting realities to have us brought together.

Did I mention I sent her flight prices…..

<butterflies>

Power

I’ve been testing the power of the universe. I’m not altogether sure but it feels like I’ve stumbled across something.

I think it started with a book or two, I often tell of my recent high consumption of audiobooks, I find them entertaining, distracting, educational and inspiring. There a few go to listens that help me depending on my frame of mind and in each of them, taking little nuggets of advice, wisdom, theory, belief, I’m starting to weave them into my own little “Book of Me”. The theory I’m starting to form is about how your perception really does define your reality.

Let me give a simple analogy.. I’ve been thinking about a new car, I’ve done some research and I’ve happened across a make and model that I’ve not considered before, doing my research I now know which model, year and engine I’d like and I even have narrowed the colors down too. Before I made these choices, how often do you think I saw these cars? Virtually never. I’d have to have direct contact, park next to one, be cut up on the road by one, to even notice it, they were invisible to me (or not even there at all). Now I’ve changed my perception, guess what? THEY ARE EVERYWHERE, my world, my life is literally full of them, I see them around every corner, every journey, in magazines, on TV. This is an obvious example, I’ve identified something I want, I’ve done my research, my subconscious is primed, even my monkey brain is on the look out for them in some kind of fight or flight reactionary way. You could argue that there aren’t any more of them, I just see them now. However…
If I were to say that, “I changed my perception and now my life is full of the things I’m interested in” this still rings true. Does it matter that it’s just a perception filter or some kind of subconscious focus, No. Not to me.

How about if I go one step further into the realms of the mystic and say “I asked the universe for something and it has provided me with an abundance of that thing”, is that true? Does it matter? Not to me.

So I’ve been asking myself, which “feels” better? The logical, scientific understanding of the way we can program ourselves to identify the things we covet OR the ethereal, spiritual idea that the universe is helping to provide the things we want, things we could never have believed possible?

I’m leaning towards the latter.

So, what’s next? Well, I’ve been testing some theories and shit is starting to get real. Coincidences seem to be coming thick and fast, just perception? Maybe, but I’m getting this really fucking eerie feeling that it’s more than that… Another example (and I have a few!)
I opened up to the universe about a few things, I put my faith in her (yes she’s a she in my reality) and placed one of burdens before her. More than that I surrendered my burden to her. You see, that’s the trick, you have to relinquish control of that which you need assistance with.

I GOT RESULTS IN MINUTES, lit-er-all-y minutes. It is a bit of an admission but I was worried about money, cash-flow, really worried and I visualized handing a great big golden basket full of cash to the clouds above and …. Relaxed. Let it go.

I was out on a dog walk and when I got home, I checked my emails. Out of the blue I had an email from someone, telling me they had a significant offer on something of mine worth several thousand pounds which was also eating hole in my wallet.

Coincidence? Maybe.

Universal intervention? well you decide.

All I’m telling you is that these keep happening, seriously fucking obscure and not insignificant things. I ask.. No, not ask… Surrender… and something happens every time. The trick seems to be surrendering with every ounce of your being, that has the most effect.

What does this mean?? Well.. Super-me has already been created, that was something different, a divine intervention by a divine beauty but I can now virtually walk on water on demand. On top of that, with this new found synergy with the universe, who appears to be on my side.. I seriously feel like I have super powers and, to all intents and purposes I really really do.

What should I do with them? I’m working it through this one chapter at a time, tiny steps with huge connotations.. Be assured though, the intention is to do good and change the world, it’s already happening, rocking my world (universe)

Watch this space. Shit is starting to get real.

This is for my beautiful, gorgeous, divine awaken-er, I thank you!
With you I am more than I could ever have imagined I could be.

Wednesday

It’s Wednesday and I’m shattered. Super-me is asleep so I’m suffering the commute without super powers but that’s ok, it gives me a chance to test the walk on my own, not as extreme, more measured, a little slower, more sophisticated somehow. Rest well my friend, I’ll be calling on you soon enough.

It’s that time of the day where sadness descends on me as it’s not just my alter ego that’s asleep, so is that girl who rocks my world (universe). I feel somehow incomplete without her consciousness, even if it’s thousands of miles away. It’s not all bad though, we spoke yesterday, for hours, intensely, honestly, openly as only we seem to be able. Balance restored for a while at least.

The universe will be pleased to know we managed to retain focus on the themes and threads from the previous afternoon, evening, night, morning (who knows) and covered quite some ground. Our conversation danced a sophisticated dance of fun, serious, professional, sexy, vulnerability, oh – my – fucking – god-ly twists and turns as always…… My synapses have been on overdrive ever since as happens every. single.time.

Last night I woke and lay silently in bed, wanting to reach for my phone to check but knew if there was nothing I’d be sad and have that longing in the center (sic) of me. I worked the sensation through for a while and decided I could handle it… Checking Skype, my heart leaped.. She wrote me, she sent me pictures, moments of her day, thoughts and feelings, a song. The butterflies were back. Thank you, you beautiful, beautiful, sexy, intoxicating girl.

I babbled back incoherently in my excitement but she was gone. I only hope she enjoys what I left her for the morning. What she left me will ease the pain of absence as I drag my sorry self into London counting the seconds until we speak again. I’m imagining taking her on a short virtual tour of the local sites and sounds of London if I can sneak away from my commitments. To be honest, I don’t care as long as we speak, everything else pales into insignificance. I’ll find a way…

Thank you universe for this incredible, surreal, heart rending, mind blowing turn of events. I owe you.

Thank you, YOU! You know who you are. You complete me.

Super Powers

I discovered I have an alter ego, a powerful being who is me but on the best possible day, he feels at the top of his game all the time and can reach down inside and find the strength and courage to face difficult situations with strength and determination. He walks differently to me too, a little swagger (not too much) and his feet connect with the floor just a little bit firmer. Walking speed is variable, he can turn the speed up or down or increase or decrease his gait with ease, doing so makes him smile with great confidence. He is relaxed talking with strangers, offering help, advice and kind words to those that need them, polite pleasantries to anyone he interacts with. What’s really weird is that the world, if not entire universe (hold that thought), seems to respond positively to him. How can this be??

I want to explain how I found him and what I believe is his power source but it’s important for me to spend a little time exploring the power of his presence and how it is in complete contrast to the original me. Bruce Banner and Hulk, Peter Parker and Spiderman. Total. Freaking. Opposites.

My default self, is self-deprecating and a worrier. Anxiety is well controlled but ever present, running scenarios for good and bad (mainly bad) well in advance of situations, a side effect is that he’s always well organised and prepared (even though never feels it), stumbles for words and forgets names, sweating at the mere thought of being caught out. The default walk is one of blending in and not standing out, short gait, gentle on the floor, head down… What might happen of people look at him! Considering this with hindsight, the world (and universe) clearly responds to this default self, almost protecting him from exciting and interesting times, keeping him from harm by just leaving him in obscurity. I’m exaggerating just a little but with the complete antithesis of the alter ego, the old world looks to be so beige and bland it’s almost invisible. The alter ego, let’s call him super-me is the guy default me wanted to be but didn’t know how to be or was basically too afraid to try. Don’t get me wrong, he’s no alpha male asshole, nor does he have impenetrable armor or the ability to fly (although it bloody well feels like it some times) just me on a really, really, really, REALLY good day, all.the.freaking.time.

So what’s the secret, it sounds so simple. Let me try to explain.. I’ve consumed so many audible books in the last six months, autobiographies, self help, better business, millionaire mindset, Buddhism for non Buddhists, mindfulness for the confused, be the best of you… You name it. It’s a jumble. I’ve been compiling my own little book of one liners which I’ll share these in good time in other blogs or posts but one very poignant statement springs to mind that helps to explain.

“Your intention defines your perception”.

What the heck? Seriously! It seems to be true, if I decide super-me is here and I walk about with that intention, the world (or universe) seems to respond. Imagine walking down a busy street with the intention of getting to the end in as straight a line and as quickly as possible, striding forth with confidence and a smile what happens? Everyone gets out of the way! Default me(s) (or others in their default me guise) step aside and even apologize. Again, not being aggressive or an asshole, simply smiling and choosing the path, the world rises up and supports my intention. OMG, is it that easy? It seems so. There is so much more I’m trying out but I’ll save that for another time.

“How did you find him and where did he come from?”

I hear you ask.. Well, something happened, I connected with someone like I could never have believed, on every level, every part of my being felt alive, activated, enhanced by this person (and she is another thousand stories to come, trust me). All of the cliches hit home in one huge hit, a proper life changing moment (or two, or three!). I couldn’t stop smiling, my soul was singing, I walked.. differently.. How the hell did that happen? This requires many, many stories on it’s own but that’s how it happened. I traveled home, wearily, sadly 4000 miles and when I got off the plane, I still.walked.differently. He was here. Who the f*ck is this? I’m smiling, I can’t stop, people step out of my way or interact with me positively, actively helping me with my day. I’m jet-lagged, dehydrated I thought, it’ll wear off, I thought. Nope..

He’s here to stay!

Sometimes he sleeps and sometimes I’m sad. Life goes on and things happen, but I can reach down inside and wake him up any time. Mostly, I just turn on the new walk with a smile and there it is.. Super-me.

I have so much to tell and so much to be thankful for, however.

For the incredible person I’ve met who has made me feel complete in ways I could never believe.

I thank you

I thank the universe and I throw myself upon the ground in front of every god and deity known to man.

Thank you, you’ve shown me super-me.

Watch this space universe. Shit just got real.