Surreal…

I fell asleep at gone midnight. I was awake late talking to her, the person who makes my soul sing, activates my super powers and awakens my body more than I’ve known *blush*. I was in a funny place, feeling less than worthy of her attentions. Her beauty, intellect, strength make me weak and sometimes I struggle to believe I’m good enough for her. She sent me pictures of her, smiling, laughing one of just how she was right then, a normal selfie. I felt (and feel) weak, inadequate looking at them. Don’t get me wrong, I love them and would physically restrain anyone who tried to take them from me, I’m at a slightly low ebb and circumstance has just conspired to batter my confidence a little, causing me to doubt my self (you know me right).

Re-reading the texts this morning is beautiful, moving sexy and achingly sad. I remember writing the words which seemed ok at the time but I now clearly read my negativity and insecurity in the subtext. I know she knows me and her beautiful responses were all aimed at bolstering my mood but I’m so afraid of making this less than great for her. God I love her. I’m grumpy with myself about it and I’ll do better, be better, be worthy of her if it’s the last thing I do.

This is my way of shouting from the rooftops, telling the world (universe) about this incredible soul I’ve met, how she makes me feel, how she affects my body and how sometimes (a lot) I don’t believe it’s real, the events in the past few days have me tired and confused making things even more surreal then usual. Would you believe I was wide awake at 5:30, wtf?

So today, I’m going to try a reset, forget the negativity and low self esteem and embrace the positive. She IS amazing, she IS beautiful, she IS smart and she IS oh.so.fucking.sexy. She says she wants me, she says she needs me, she says I drive her crazy so I’m going to stick with believing that. Anxiety voice, inner demon voice, you can fuck.right.off, you are spoiling this, you are spoiling me and lets face it… I really need to be my best if I’m to shine in this incredible woman’s world.

I’m going to drag myself out and walk the dog, march in the forest to shake my super up.

Only six hours until she wakes….

Thank you, crazy, incredible beautiful sophisticated girl. You make me strive to be better and to beat my demons. Thank you for clinging on to this roller coaster while I do. I’m so grateful for you.

Thank you universe for distorting realities to have us brought together.

Did I mention I sent her flight prices…..

<butterflies>