What’s normal anyway? Three weeks ago normal was a very different thing. Looking back, it seems to me that I was present in the world (universe) on a different plane of existence. Nothing has physically changed except EVERYTHING has changed. The universe I knew then is so fundamentally different I find it hard to conceive the way it was, it is like someone twisted the frequency knob on the great universal dial. It’s amazing, incredible, exhausting, exhilarating and now it feels like I’m falling into a new “normal”. The week has developed a new schedule, frequency, cadence, new highs and lows, new timings, new…everything.

Friday was always a good day, end of the week, wind down, people a little bit happier, anticipating the weekend but I now wake (at 5:30 AM!) with a knot in my stomach. I’m not sure when I’ll speak with my catalyst of change, my universal goddess, the cause of my awakening. Someone else has the slice of time that has become the new cornerstone of my day. Those precious minutes I think about with excitement all morning, when they arrive, time stands still and the universe swallows us whole, when they end it’s heart wrenching but afterwards the world is a bit brighter, and that precious time is like a universal fuel for my being, powering me for the rest of the day. And now it’s Friday, I’m running on empty, yearning is another new norm which today will continue with uncertainty until we can perhaps snatch a moment or two.

Am I jealous of those that steal her time, angry at them? No. The me from the old world would be, this one not so much. She’s told me with words, spoken and unspoken, actions, real and fantasised that she feels the same for me as I do for her. My super-me knows, I’ll be dominating her thoughts and she’ll be yearning too. That doesn’t make it ok, it tears me apart, but I feel sure she’d rather be with me and that helps.

I’m pacing my empty house naked, just me and the dog awake, telling myself she’ll work us into a plan today and we can refuel together for the long haul journey ahead of us that I’m working hard to ignore…. The weekend. The old happy time, relaxing and doing things you want to do, doing less, doing nothing. The new void, like someone has pressed the pause button, I no longer enjoy the weekend, I endure it. I’ll admit that I struggle to not be jealous at the weekend as others get to dominate her time and schedule but I guess the same is true in reverse. She should know I’m not present in this place during the weekend, my spirit reaches out on some astral plane trying to connect and escape the void. Perhaps this one will be different I’ll make some recommendations to the universe, that should work. I’ll write here whatever.

So now to fuel. Focussing my entire self on the tiny and mundane, like drops of glucose on the tongue of my soul. The smell and taste of my coffee, the feel of the shower on my face, the pride in my flat stomach as I wash, the accidental swelling as I stand under the water and think of her… These things, in tiny increments, fuel me enough for the next leg of the journey.

Yesterday was a great day, I got to speak with her for hours, we talked of favourites, love, inspiration, logistics, travel plans, sex… Depending how you work the time zones, we made love (of sorts) at least three times (which is a good minimum).

I told her I worship her and she told me that was ok, she liked that I could tell her that her picture drives me crazy (see what I did there). I told her that I was not worthy. She said she felt the same about me and she liked it when I was self assured, a good catch, she told me I shouldn’t feel unworthy, that I’m smart, amazing, talented. I felt a shift then, tiny almost imperceptible but with fundamental, monumental, universal effects. She will always be my goddess and I’ll worship her endlessly.. but.. If there is balance, then I am her king… That changes everything… EVERYTHING… AGAIN. I’ll be pondering this…

So now I am up and out, walking the dog, enjoying his doggy joy. (Another fuel of mine) and working to sign off this post.

To my goddess, I am humbled by you. I feel sure with your hand in mine our power is beyond compare. We can do anything and I feel sure we will. Thank you for conjuring a new normal, the world (universe) will never be the same again.

Thank you universe as always.

The weekend is a burden to me, I commit that to you. I’m in your hands.