Void

noun

1. a completely empty space.”the black void of space”

I’ve pretty much been awake since 2AM, drifted a little and listened to an audio book or two but mainly I’ve been trying not to be lonely. By 4AM I’d given up and started watching a film on Netflix. Somewhere in the dialogue someone said something about “being alone doesn’t mean you are lonely” or something along those lines and it struck the opposite chord with me. Here I am surrounded by people, family, colleague, pets and yet I feel heart-wrenchingly alone, nothing to do with the attention of those around me just that the one person on this planet that I want (no need) to be with more than anything else is not here. Not just another place but another country, another timezone, another world, another life.

There are times where we overlap, both at work or both at home but mainly it’s some kind of universal inverse. I’ll try to be positive, there are some benefits, when she wakes up, I’ve been thinking about her all night / day (whichever works) so I’m full of things to talk about (probably way too much) or when I’m lagging in the afternoon at work, she is fresh and professional. When I’m finished for the day I can stay and be playful to make her afternoon (and pulse) go a little quicker.

There are times in between that are tortuous, horrendous, abysmal for both of us. Half present in our respective worlds and snatching the odd moment to catch up with not-even-close-to-enough-words before being caught in the whirlwind of daily noise and getting drunk, falling asleep; in my case, often both. I know we both read these half texts multiple times, picturing what the other is doing and what did they really mean by “Nice” or “later”, why are they not answering? Why have they “read me off”?, my evil bastard of an inner demon instantly presents me with nightmare scenarios and subtexts to fill in. My god, the feelings are visceral, physical, at times unbearable. And then, as if by magic, I’m flying, a good knot in my stomach as I see the little animation “My Goddess is typing …”

The roller coaster is real, the highs are getting higher and the exhilarating rushes are getting longer and more intense. The lows are less frequent (due to some careful management of my demons) but somehow much, much worse. I need to work on those but I think it’s a side effect of the increased depth of feelings. The one thing I know for sure is we are riding this together, its gravity defying, world distorting, twists, turns and loops are part of this normal now, I’m loving every terrifying, electrifying, mind blowing minute of it.

Yesterday was an incredible journey that I’ll not write about today but it should be known that I experienced a ridiculously broad spectrum of emotions. I laughed, I cried (sobbed), I was proud, I was terrified, I was crushed, I was horny, I was in love….. None of these were fleeting samples of emotion or just a little feeling they were ALL deep, all-encompassing soul changing, full body sensations which once again changed my normal for good. Interesting times is a fucking understatement.

I could write for hours but it’s time to sign off. Time for the incremental refueling to see me through the long haul of the weekend.
Last night, I turned my back on the universe as I felt she wasn’t listening. I need to fix that if I’ve any hope of getting through unscathed!

To my incredible goddess, my inspiration, you are the source of my creativity, my reason for being, the cause of my never ending – newly found libido. I’ll do my best to be the best version of me, you make me feel worthy, worthwhile, special. Did I tell you that your rock my world (universe)?

To the universe, I apologize for allowing my faith to slip, I need your help more than ever. I’ll be offering my burdens and begging your forgiveness today, help a guy out!