A business trip had me travelling to London, such a shock to the system to set an alarm at 5AM, iron a shirt, travel and rub shoulders with other commuters on the packed tube again after not having done it at all for so long. Although long days of standing around and even longer nights were ahead, those weren’t the things that most bothered me, it was the fact that I couldn’t see or talk to my beautiful angel except in snatched moments. We did our best to navigate and did manage to fall asleep to one another once at least. Those three days felt like the longest in a very long time and I couldn’t run back to her fast enough and the weekend faster.

The experience was surreal, being back in the world with other people again and I was feeling insular and contemplative, it was like I was watching the world rather than interacting with it. I found myself talking to my gorgeous girl in my head all the time from looking at amusing people to interesting architecture, from riding the escalator to making single serving friends, from passing places we’d been before, to inspecting the hotel room with floor to ceiling windows just like ones in our past, I even turned my head to catch her eye a few times to find she wasn’t there! When I did that the first time, it was such a powerful sensation, to find her not there, that I felt the distance between us in all its magnitude, I felt annoyed at the world for leaving me with an hole where she should be, an amazing, perfectly formed, three dimensional, intellectual, pretty, sexy, gorgeous, sized hole. The sensation still haunts me, but it was so much worse then. It’s easier to manage when I’m back in my office, surrounded by memories of us, especially when I can gaze down at her, virtually at least.

The hole wasn’t just physical though, I felt numb, my discussions with colleagues performed on auto-pilot, the world rushing by in black and white somehow, my smiles were fake and I’m not sure I laughed once. Achingly missing her with everything I am and just quietly counting the long minutes until I could see her again. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but, this time something more profound went on for me, from feeling like I need to be with her, to feeling like I’d never be quite whole without her. I write this now with a smile as I think of the last day I woke with her and the last day I held her, the sensation of everything just feeling right, so normal, perfect in fact, when she is at my side, in my arms and and and. The feeling of the hole just magnified the opposite, the feeling of completeness when I’m with her, just have to find a way now.

As if that wasn’t enough, after a long commute back to our “shrine” and finally we could have a few minutes to talk excitedly, I felt it all come rushing back, the numbness replaced by tingling, nerve endings alive, from my mind to my body, someone had switched the color back on! I know that sensation was minute in comparison to when I next lay eyes on her, wrap my arms around her again, not sure I’ll be able to stop! But.. for now, I know the hole is there and as I suppress it, I let it remind me of how she makes me feel whole, how powerful I feel when she’s with me how we balance each other and make everything right with the world, how every day is an adventure, especially the mundane ones

My darling, my goddess, you are my balance, my love, my incredibly sexy girl. I miss you with everything I am and now I have a “you” sized hole that needs filling to make everything right with the world and to make us whole. I can’t wait for that sensation of perfection again, YOU make that happen from your intellect through your beauty to your passion and everything in between. Another day closer my love

Lord, I thank you often for bringing this angel into my life, for showing me that everything else pales into insignificance in her shadow, I hope you can find a path to make us both whole again

The Universe, well, you had a go in November, but you seem to have been sleeping since, come on, I’m waiting

ILYALJ IMYALJ CS