I’ve lost track of days, to be honest working out simple things like “How do I start the car” or even “What’s my name” is pretty challenging right now.

I’m alive in a way I’ve never known before, my existence has been fundamentally altered in some way yet a-fucking-gain. When I’ve used terms such as “Mind Blown” or “Roller Coaster” previously I clearly had no idea what I was talking about and could not possibly conceive the depth or strength of sensations, emotions, physical experience that I am now aware of. It’s like someone has turned the lights on when I already thought the world was brightly lit. Blindingly illuminating an entire landscape I didn’t even know existed with colors and hues previously unknown, somehow lit in an extra dimension, like everything before was a crude monochrome two dimensional cartoon drawing and now, it’s true color in three dimensions.

She came (we lost count)….

Sorry… She came. Here. To this piece of the world, to my island, within ninety minutes travel of me, achievable, reachable, touchable.

I couldn’t wait, I ran. I ran to her. (Technically I drove but you understand the metaphor). I ran as fast and as hard as I could, broke all the rules and broke down all the doors, losing my shit as I was within a few yards, scoured the world for a parking space (thanks Universe). Then I was out and running (well doing “the walk”). Heart racing, blood pumping, stuff happening downstairs. I swaggered into the lobby like I owned the place and hit the lift, arriving at her floor, I turned the corner and saw her standing in the doorway, I stopped, frozen, stuck to the spot, with my best “cool” smile (fucking grinning uncontrollably)… In that moment, I had another one of those sensations like when I was barefoot in the garden. A universe altering, twisting of reality, the world coming into focus when I didn’t know it was blurry. I can see that vision now, clearly, in color, without closing my eyes. My fucking god (new phrase I learnt), my heart is pounding just thinking about it, my hands trembling on the keyboard, trying to do it some justice. I stepped into her arms and WHOOSH, the events of the next eight-seven hours and and fourteen minutes (give or take) spin our bodies, minds, emotions, existences into some kind of experience hurricane, tornado, singularity. Fuck it. Words fail me here.

We began with a large drink and small talk but our attempts to resist getting physical fell by the wayside and we realized we weren’t actually trying very hard to resist at all. Every moment, experience, touch, sensation, indelibly burnt into my memory, I can recall so much detail about the sites, sounds, smells, every-fucking-thing with absolute clarity but thinking about it as a whole is a blur. My vision was actually blurry standing by that window, staring into those beautiful eyes, losing myself in her, (before physically losing myself in her), I’ll not forget the view of that moment, her beautiful face and the view from the window. The smell of her skin, the taste of our drinks, the touch of her lips, the taste of her mouth. The taste of her mouth as we kissed, with a swig of alcohol in our mouths, dribbling down our chins as we decided, nothing-fucking-matters and anything-fucking-goes. The blurry, technicolor, brighter than life, fundamentally changing experience drew us in like a whirlpool.

Afternoon turned to night and night turned to day, we made each other smile, laugh, shout (scream), a few tears, can I go as far as to say “come”? There was an awful lot of all of that (especially the latter) and more, more, more. Grinning, side smiling, eye locking, barely perceptible nodding, swearing, name calling, my fucking god (there it is again), words fail me. Fuuuck………… Waking in each others arms was just like our previous drifting in sleep, continents apart, except for everything we could (and had) fantasized was within our reach and, to be honest, we made a significant dent in replaying a large number of those for real <blush>. Drifting into morning with you in my arms you beautiful thing, is quite simply the most perfect thing I have ever experienced, “Bliss” doesn’t even touch it.

Every day deserves it’s own post but for now I’ll just say that every moment, interaction, alone time, tourist time, date night time, business time, grocery shopping time felt like just that, a date. Heart stopping (I actually had palpitations at several points), jaw dropping, getting to know you exhilarating, scary, embarrassing, hilarious, sexy, steamy, words fail me, series of moments. I probably missed you more (worse) during those moments where I could see you but couldn’t touch you or I knew you were in the building but couldn’t see you than I do when you are at home in that indescribably distant place.

More to come, a single post cannot do this justice.

She’s gone.

In the blink of and eye it’s behind us, as we stand in Gatwick departures, waiting to say goodbye but finding one more thing to talk about, one more thing to mention, one more kiss, one more.. fuck it.. excuse to not say it. Goodbye. Bam, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Fuck you universe, you’ve given me what I wanted and taken it away. Ouch. Fucking, fucking, fuck. Ouch.

I can’t brimg myself to look at flight stats, i know you are too far away, I don’t want to think about it. Just know I’m here in tears.

Thank you, for being real, for coming here, for sharing it all, for keeping (and losing count) for , for , for. My existence is fundamentally altered. I love you.

Universe, you never cease to amaze me. Thank you, I’m back and putting everything in your hands. Help.

Fuuuck