Fifty Two Days

52 days, the same number of weeks in a year. If my math is correct that means it’s one seventh of a year. I won’t calculate hours or minutes, that will be meaningless. That’s the time it’s been since I breathed the same air as my Goddess, since I last said goodbye, in tears at an airport a long way away. I can still smell her hair as I held her (trying not to set her hair on fire) I can feel her pressed against me, I can feel her arms around me. I can feel how it felt to turn and walk away, sun glasses on inside, biting back the tears, heart racing and aching, where’s the bar?

I think about the time often, a little over seven weeks. It feels like yesterday that I was holding her hand, swinging and springing, turning to face her as we walk and smiling for no reason, buying drinks or watching football, eating buffet or playing slots “Buffalo!!”, meeting single serving friends and laughing until we cried or just crying until we made love. I wake sometimes surprised that she’s not here on my chest, then the days feel very, very long. 52 days seems an eternity and I feel every second stretching behind me like an abyss, I work hard to recall it like it was yesterday and reset the clock every day. “It was just yesterday” I tell myself, my heart isn’t fooled.

Science tells us time is a constant but theorists argue and science fiction writers love to play with the concept of time travel all the time. Don’t dismiss it just yet, imagine if you told my grandfather about an iPhone – sheer black magic he’d think. Time travels quickly in the morning when you are in a hurry but, if you are waiting at a red light or waiting on a message or even a delivery driver, every second stretches to it’s limits. Perhaps this is perception but I like to think there is a some time distortion going on, that way I can believe that it will be just a few seconds before I see her again. My heart, soul and body are eager and hopeful.

I often speak of the Universe and how aligned I felt with her as things seemed to be provided at my (our) will, a simple visualization would reap rewards in a miraculous moment, I’ve obviously fallen off track here. Need to return to that focus. I pray often and it gives me some solace but I think God has bigger things to concern himself with over Christmas, I’ll keep trying.

To my love, my lover, my Angel, my Goddess, I miss you with every fibre of my being. Going to sleep without you is hard but it brings a nothingness until the morning, waking without you is just as hard. Perhaps I should sleep more. I feel sure we’ll be together soon, God, the Universe, whatever, will steer our paths if we don’t lose faith. I’m counting the seconds as if I’m counting down not up. I love you, you are my guiding light.

God, you’ve seen and heard from me more in the last 52 days than in the last 12 years, I’m sorry for my absence, please forgive me and help me to find the path, make her well and keep her safe long enough for me to get to her, I’ll keep praying.

Universe, I’m back! Help me find the Super Will again and keep my mantras focussed, I know you have something up your sleeve, show me.

PB WA CS ILY IMY

Journey

Thinking about the vast physical distances I have travelled in the last almost seven months, I realise that miles are nothing in comparison to the actual journey I’ve shared with my angel. The physical, emotional, spiritual, even mental journey has been incredible and profoundly life changing. From that first moment it has felt like life has fallen into place, I’m on the path I’d always meant to be on and everything that went before pales into insignificance (pales in significance). I’ve aligned myself with the universe and made my peace with god, I felt things I’ve never felt before and I feel like the jigsaw has fallen into place. As I started to take control and steer my path, I felt like the very fabric of life was helping me along the way

The ability for me to take control, choose my path and bend the will of the universe my way was activated by her, my angel, my goddess. A shining light in the darkness, unlocking my potential and awakening a passion I never knew could exist. Even during this time of disruption, I still feel her power in me, it’s just suppressed, sleeping, dormant. It’s waiting for her to smile again, to find her path and I feel that when she does, it’ll awaken with new ferocity. Together we will take on the world anew, adventures will present themselves and we’ll be steering together again.

I wonder often what to ask for when I speak to God or the universe, there are obvious go tos, keep her safe, help her find the path, steer her back to me or me to her, lottery or scratch off card win perhaps… But I can’t help but feel I’m asking for the wrong thing, I keep searching for the right request, it’s alluding me for now, I feel it in the back of my mind, shouting at me but the sounds are silenced. I’m listening, keep telling me, I’ll get it eventually.

I dream of just being with her but also what life is holding in store for us, hidden behind a secret curtain. Just have to find it and the sun will come streaming in and we’ll see our path ahead.

To you, my darling, beautiful enigmatic Goddess, you continue to guide me even in this time of constant twilight. You are incredible, my inspiration and my guide. You are passion personified and I miss holding your body to mine and and and. Keep faith my love and help me look, the path is there, I know it’s true with every essence of my being.

Lord, help me find the right question to ask, seek the right guidance. She is hurting and it’s killing me, help me solve the puzzle, I implore you.

Universe, my offering to you is, help me find the path, help me make the right offering to you that will help warp the cosmos again, bring it, bring it on.

ILY IWY IMY

Your PB
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23 Minutes

23 minutes

30835 31608 31609 11/01/2019 Ladies Pixies Buffalo

Sat alone in a hotel room 6000 miles from my love, my destiny, my goddess, I looked for my next temporary home. Searching and surfing I “accidentally” noticed that there it would probably be cheaper to fly close to my love and stay within touching distance, at least in the same timezone, so I consulted God and the Universe. It was decided, I booked it, plotted my excuses for work and went to bed elated. I mentioned my trip to single serving friends and they asked if it was for business, to some I answered “yes” to others I said “Not this time, this one is for love, I can’t be without her any longer”.

Just a few days later I landed and held my love, looked into her beautiful eyes and felt her love. We ran away in “Dodgy” and held each other so much. I thanked God and the Universe silently, so happy to be back in her arms, bowed at her feet, my goddess, my everything. Just perfect.

As the next day unfolded, surprising news arrived, and things took a twist. I was (and still am) so glad that I made the trip for love, for my love, so I could be there to hold and support her, to be a witness to her strength and a silent supporter while she processed. It meant the trip wasn’t quite as planned but I would have felt helpless had I not. Although it seems that this was a negative twist, God and the Universe told me to go, guided me to it even though it was a crazy romantic notion. A mistake? NO. An opportunity? YES. I got to spend time with her when she most needed it, thank you.

Not letting this turn of events change our plans we pressed on and although some difficult changes in dwellings we made the best of our time with plenty of holding, touching, kissing, laughing and crying. Not to mention the obvious of course, I still cherish the marks on my body.

Another blow saw the trip cut short, we had to say goodbye early, under difficult circumstances as I flew into the distance, an impossible mission, almost completed albeit for 23 minutes. Ultimately it turned out to be fruitless and I could have stayed, should have stayed but you can’t change the past.

We now lie, a billion miles apart but together in heart, feeling sad and hopeless. We don’t know what the next day will bring, let alone the next week or month but I hope, I pray, I give my offerings to the Universe. I believe we’ll be back together in no time, stronger for this experience but for now it feels horrific.

To my angel, my love, my darling. I love you. Thank you for letting me come and putting so much at stake to see and spend time with me. We had another adventure and perhaps this was God showing us there are ups and downs. I’ll always hold you in good times and bad, as you do for me. I love you

God, people say you move in mysterious ways, no kidding! Thank you for guiding me to be there for her, I continue to pray for her, for us.

Universe, well, this was an interesting twist. What are you up to?

CS ILY IMY INY

Five States (Part Five)

Uber, quiet (not great English) warm but not unbearable and traffic not too terrible. We enjoy the road trip and I snatch some selfies to her annoyance. I love pictures of her no matter what state of make up preparation she’s in. It allows me solace when I can’t see her in person, forgive me.

Another big city, another first, excited and nervous, we approach our hotel and escape the pan-handle-ers to get inside. Room is awesome and we careful admire the mini bar without disturbing anything. Head to the make shift bar and hope we don’t get blown away. Good drinks and irritating neighbors we head back to plan the evening.

We check out a local Irish bar and venture to a local dive bar too. It was crowded and one particular guy was a little too friendly, think drugs were involved. We’d started to want some fun so went in search of something better and ended up dancing with kids that couldn’t dance, I either showed them up or me, not sure which much my beautiful lady seemed to like it. We stayed as long as we could tolerate the company and headed off, stopping briefly to visit a bar with the dirtiest toilet in the state, perhaps they need a certificate for that. Back home and bed.

The rest of the trip involved hotel frolicks, longest ever (ahem), fun with chairs, mirrors, orders, windows (sorry city folk, hope you liked the show). More bars, unwanted discussions about bukkake and an incredible day at a very special pier.

Great lunch, sadness of our impending departure abound, my goddess was sad and I dragged her to play in attempt to lift her spirits. We stopped for photos and got compliments from passers by, thanks (I think). I did make her smile (my soul was nourished again), losing at air hockey, killing zombies and returning credits for a prize. A ring I hope she cherishes, it meant a universe more than the plastic it was made of! Lifting her lips into a smile made me glow, our time was growing short and I needed to keep those beautiful lips upturned for as long as possible. I did my best, I think it worked for a while. What really brought a smile to her face was the scratchcard win, thank you universe!

My incredible woman, our adventures are unsurpassed, not enough space on the internet to put everything into words. Your hand in mine is all the strength I need. I love you, I worship you. I count the seconds until we are together again.

Lord, your healing worked well, thank you for answering my prayers. I looked after her as well as I could and ensured she took her meds without fail (albeit with a pouty face)

Universe, you seem to continually surpass yourself, I’m a believer.

Apart

Words fail me, I try to be cool, calm, focused on other tasks but it fails. I’m a wreck when we are apart, our last journeys together brought us together and it felt like we had been together forever, so comfortable with each other, so aligned with our tasks, a great team, it felt like we would never be apart, inconceivable to be so. Being teamed with a goddess empowers me, powers me, activates me, electrifies me and then we are apart even with every attempt to change it. I’m bereft.

Trying hard to stay powerful, attractive, not appear weak, I want her to want to be with me but the days are hard, watching the clock, waiting for her to wake up, knowing I can’t even communicate with her in the night is hell. I lay awake staring at our communication methods. Sending the odd message but trying not to appear so needy, sending, deleting, thinking, sending, deleting, repeat. I feel sure I’m growing less attractive by the second.

Often I numb myself with alcohol but it makes it worse, waking fitfully only to repeat the cycle and feel the anxiety grow. All that happens is I lose a night of sleep and am useless in the morning, sleeping too late or attempting to address the day like a zombie, no matter, only a few hours until she might be awake and I’ll be alive again for a while. Who thought of time zones anyway.

I’m desperate for her to continue wanting me, the opposite is unthinkable. Deep down, I know she does and our love is true, I re-read messages, replay conversations, I know, I know, I know but in the dead of night when I think of what she is doing during her day, my bastard imagination cuts me deep.

We have a plan, the beginnings of one anyway, and I feel positive and happy, planning, plotting, booking, smiling. Busy again, on something for us, I’m ok for a while. She is going to love my plans, I can see her smiling face, her laugh, her swing and spring. Together we will explore new places again. I wait to tell her to explain but fate deals us a blow where we cannot speak and I’m in a spiral again. A late morning and writing this affords me a smile but I know she’s a world away hurting in the dark and I cannot tell her, speak to her. Be strong , she’ll hate you weak. Be strong, it isn’t so long. Hard to keep that in your mind for long.

My intangibly beautiful deity, my heart aches for you. Please forgive my weakness, I’ll be better, I’ll try at least. I can’t wait to tell you of my plans (at least part of them). I’m here and waiting, it hurts me you might be hurting in the dark.

Lord, I pray to you to get her through the night, to transport her on her way in the morning when we can talk again. Please, I implore you.

Universe, what are you up to and what the fuck did you do to my Skype.

Five States (Part Four)

Another Taxi trip (this time silent and cool-ish) we headed to an airport straight out of the fifties. Security was easy and my angel was slowly starting to feel the positive effects of the meds. Not better but improving all the time. Food stop was extreme, eye-wateringly expensive drinks but the company was good so it didn’t matter “you earn more every day” right? We flew again without a problem and I once again gained the chance to hold her tight and make her feel safe. Short flight and as we arrived at our destination, I misplaced my passport (lucky she reminded me) and we even had the pleasure of a trip to the family bathroom, she was definitely feeling better! Oh my, fuuck.

Ride to the hotel, which turned out to be ancient by the countries standard, we endured check in and found our rooms, selected one (wrong one) and switched. A trip to the local superstore in an Uber was fun and full of irritating people. We dined on Sushi and wraps, vodka and tonic, talked about favorite films and things from our past. So blissful, we gazed at each other across the tiny table and grinned. An incredibly evening, night, morning my relief of her improvement was palpable, we were a team again.

Business was good, decent attendance and an executive to woo, she was impressed by my performance and even took pictures. All I want to do is impress her, I think I did good. We finished our meeting and hit the streets again, destined for a local hotel, chosen at random, it turned out to interesting. Cheese, wine, checkers and connect four, we laughed before we even got in the room. The room was good and had loads of towels and face cloths, which was very good because we made a bit of a mess. Our evening included a trip to the hot tub, pool, an argumentative pervert and his obvious prostitute. I again took a lone trip for supplies and returned without incident with everything we needed including scratch cards (watch this space). We ordered the most expensive pizza ever but were not disappointed. Another night of incredible delight, passion, firsts, and no noise complaints (surprisingly). We slept behind our electric shutters and held each other in the morning, such a beautiful morning, beautiful cuddles with my love, my destiny. I’ll hold those forever in my mind.

We got a late checkout to afford us time to do, yet another, laundry process getting good at this although I still do socks wrong apparently! Reluctantly we started the checkout procedure while still looking for the next place to stay, we do love to be organized. Uber booked, we set off again..

My love, my lover, my goddess, my teacher, I re-run our time together daily, constantly. Thank you for your heart, your love, your passion. Our times together have been incredible. Who lives like this?

God, thank you for healing her and helping her back to health. She’s the most important thing to me and I bow before you.

Universe, you keep it coming, I’ll give you that. Never stop, I see you.

Five States (Part Three)

Landed and hailed the shuttle, we heard all about bats and how they leave their young, working for tips no doubt. The hotel was new, clean, clinical, understaffed but the room was fine, several doors between bed and bathroom, always a plus. Local amenities scarce but we plundered what we could, risking wine, red bull and some appropriately sized condoms. Midnight snacks and bed was all we could muster. New friends and tips from flight crew. Just can’t help ourselves.

Uber to work and another day of working side by side, god I love that. Still no place to call home but it made for funny stories. Another fantastic “business” lunch and no doubt a forged signature, the day came to an end visiting our go to bar. Hotel booked blind and headed there.

Her laughter is food for my soul, my heart, my mind. It means I bring her joy which is, quite simply, all I want to do. We laugh a lot together, but this place provided us with the chance for so much laughter, so much fun, so many weirdos, not to mention cockroaches, empty lobster tanks and stolen items (shh). I brought some technology and we used it to full effect, we also used previous purchases and made interesting observations over selection of items. This place provided temporary shelter for a few nights and they blur into one incredible experience. Guys with toys, wet pants, energy drinks and centurion helmets. Hot tub (feet only), orange juice, TV, conference calls (from different rooms), an angry phone call and some serious, mind blowing moments.

On one day, mundane requirements called and we had to head out for haircut and laundry. Such an adventure, grocery store snacks, pushy homeless, crazy barber shop, insane laundry. We nearly died from heatstroke but it was still an adventure, together we endure and enjoy. Cold wine and dodgy shoe sales kept us “sane” until our chores complete. Back to cock roach alley for planning the next step.

Another day another flight, flying out of a tiny airport, we had to be called to board, another (of oh so many) firsts. strapped in, we fly again. Another chance to hold and comfort my goddess, I love to hold her. We flew a long way to another state, another world, there was an incident with salad dressing, I was wet and it appeared like I had an accident. Taxi to hotel and tried to work out our timezone. Chose between rooms and settled an a choice, we had more fun, more laughter, explored the beach, the bars and found a place to eat before heading back to hold each other anew. Seemed to trigger a noise complaint, causing a scary phone call at an inopportune moment (another first).The next day saw a lone adventure for me which turned into a mission to find cigarettes and supplies. Survived and back, my goddess was waning, not so well, she was turning and my heart was breaking. Meds started to be needed and I was worried. Business, successful with weird techies, we head off again for another destination. Clinically insane driver, filling us with incredulity as we sat in a hot car with a incessantly crazy talking driver (thanks Uber, we requested the opposite). We holed up in another hotel and sought out food (starters were enough for four) and supplies. Meds now becoming a necessity regularly. Ridiculous early marathon conference calls and a trip to an emergency medical facility was a private hell for us but brought us closer again. Painful shots, trip to the pharmacy and redacted paperwork, pouty face drinking meds but it started to have a positive effect. Business good (Free taxi 500 yards) and we were ready to move again.

My love, my powerful woman, my fragile flyer and difficult patient. I’ve seen you in pain and suffering, it hurt me unimaginably but was honored to support and nurse you. So glad I could help, made me feel so close to you. Never stop needing me.

God, thank you for giving me the strength to insist on medical care, for helping her through the darkest day and for guiding her back to help. I am on my knees to you.

Universe, you brought us together and put us on this path. It’s not without it’s bumps but I thank you for all of it. Keep it up, I’m waiting for more.

Five States (Part Two)

Business over for now, we head off for another flight, another mission, a personal one. I am honored to be invited on such a visit and increase the time we get to spend with one another. Being in her presence is so special, we share jokes, fears, loves, passions, music, frustration at others, identify mouth breathers, basically just joyful no matter what. Flying is a special time to share, it gives me real chance to give her comfort, to repay what she does for me. Our journey begins.

Flight over, we arrive where our passions began and so many memories flood back, felt like we were in sync with the universe again, such a special moment. Rental car collection I found myself alone without means of communication only to see here appear, goddess like smile, the next leg begins.

Driving, fixing audio, random songs, talking, laughing, the road trip made in heaven. We stopped and ate, sneaking some reasonably safe kisses before grabbing “nutrition” and heading off again. (chicken good, wedges bad). We talk about the scenery, people, differences in culture, state, county. We stop for supplies and learn more about what is sold where, become paranoid by police, realise we have no hotel and head off again anyway. It’s dark when we arrive at a possible destination and book from the car park before checking in. Unique, simply unique. An evening of delight, vows, rings, ill-fitting condoms and so much more, Oh my, oh fucking my. Fuuck.

Breakfast delivers more bonding, as I learn about drink traditions and more family, we laugh and eat, drink. Intoxicated by her, keeping her buoyant as the next part may be difficult for her and I have to let her do it alone. We head in sperate directions and I amuse myself with walks, purchases and card writing. Just as I feel a sinking sensation of aloneness she returns and fills my world with joy again. We hug and discuss her time, I hold her more and we set off for more. Deep into her past, letting me in, I again feel incredibly honoured and humbled. Sharing and bonding, closer again, closer, bliss.

My new found interest in sport is ignited further with a special trip and after discussing the rules we finally decide on somewhere to stay and after some interesting back and forth we head to yet another room, dragging our belongings, home wherever we are together, we laugh and plot. Out for fun and food. “Ok, let’s go…. Buffalo!!”. God I love you my goddess, my mischievous playful beauty. I’m at one when you hand is in my hand. Takeout and back to bed.

The morning brings business, mixed with pleasure, meeting and massages, conf calls and body lotion before sadly dragging ourselves back to another normality. Our return journey turns our conversations another way and we talk about aspirations, passions, desires. So fucking hot, I wanted to take her there in the car but, on this occasion we resist, flight to catch. Every conversation makes me realise my devotion and love is boundless, I need you gorgeous, my goddess, my love. Rental return, rush to flight, book a hotel as we were taxxiing, we are that organized and jet into the sky not knowing whether we booked a good one or not. Again, I can comfort her as the day turns to night.

My love, my goddess, my soul mate, my lover. Every second of our adventures brings me closer to you. This was a binding trip beyond measure, tears, passion, sharing, exploration. Please never stop wanting me.

God, thank you for allowing me to comfort this beautiful being. She deserves as much perhaps more than I can give. Please help me to give her what she needs.

Universe, such alignment, a million coincidences. It’s obvious you have a hand in this. Good work, keep it up.

Five States (Part One)

Apart, nowhere to go, post Poxxy, sad beyond belief, visiting holy places and making my peace with god. The time since I had been with my goddess was so short but this time different. It felt like an eternity, minutes lasted hour, second lasted minutes. I was interacting with the world in a blur and everything reminded me of us, our time we had been blessed to share. Such mundane things, soaked deep with enjoyment, passion, love.

An opportunity arose, my cogs turning, desperate to find a way back to her arms I was looking at my universe through glasses tinted with hope. I suggested it and she grabbed it, APPROVED. Suddenly the endless uncertain time to reunite with my energy, my facilitator, my universal goddess was finite again, not even that many days, you could easily count in minutes.

I packed, drove, stayed and flew, longest flight ever but before I knew it, she was where she belonged, pressed tight against me. Thank you, Lord thank you, Universe, thank you, You. After the longest hug, I admired her, radiant (hot), beautiful, smiling blissfully, we shared warm wine and redbull (more the former) plus a few cigarettes before heading somewhere more secluded.

Back in her presence, I was whole again, nothing fucking mattered again. Oh my. Hotel one and we held each other in private, the hugs, kisses, passion allowed to be free no worries of prying eyes or accidental meetings. We held off (stupidly) consummating our togetherness and went out for food and fun, holding hands where we could and sneaking kisses as we could. Tired and at least one of us jetlagged we headed back to sleep. I had the greatest time visiting bars and night spots, just being with her. I even started to learn about a new sport. We fell together into our bed and I was complete again.

Morning came and I needed to hold her, so tight we felt as one, never letting go, I could have stayed there forever, holding her universally perfect skin against mine. Pure bliss turned to passion and my mind was blown anew, my god, my universe. I was home again.

Hotel time turned to business time and we worked alongside each other, content to work hard, catching glances and knowing looks amid the work of the day, heading for “business lunches” together and sharing our thoughts and insights on the day, more bliss. As evening came, we parted from the others and found our own sanctuary in secret watering holes and fun places to eat before planning our next leg and heading home for more blissful coupling.

My universal goddess, I missed you so badly even though we were apart for such a short time. I was honored, humbled to be in your arms again. I love you. Thank you.

God, you listened, thank you. My faith is renewed.

Universe, I see what you are doing.

Connected

Every time we are together it changes, evolves. Each time a new strength to our bond, new boundaries broken, new experiences shared. This time there was a palpable paradigm shift. Our meeting was as full of elation as always but also a huge sense of relief, I could breath again, holding her felt so right. I felt complete again. Hand in hand from the airport was just as fuelled by passion and expectation but also a sense of normalcy, correctness, fate, how things should be.

We talked and drove, discussed single serving flight neighbours and mouth breathers, real estate prices, steam trains and parking spaces (and prices!). Holding hands and drinking, walking, shopping, laughing, watching the world around us as if it (and everyone in it) were just there for our amusement (which of course they are). We browsed and pointed, touched and kissed, drank and held one another. Strolling and smiling, happy again. Another city, different people, places, experiences, who lives like this. We do.

As we stared at the edge of the land and surveyed the horizon over the sea, passion started to rise and with a small diversion to gamble, smoke and drink, we headed for our next destination, the atmosphere thick with expectation and anxiety of what was due to come in the next few hours and days. The countryside had dangerously narrows roads with cars driving too fast and after some back tracking we found the spot I’d longed to share. The green countryside spread far and wide for us to enjoy, passion became too much to hold back and things took and incredible turn, more firsts for us plus some minor clothing casualties. Oh my fucking god. We laid in our (public) bubble for a while enjoying our racing pulses slowing before heading on to the next, more serious part of the plan.

The drive was long and fraught with emotion, concerns, anxiety but we beat it together, a few tears, pleading and plan discussions we arrived, pleasantly surprised at our home for the next while. Plenty of holding, laughing, talking, ginger biscuits and so much “oh My God” – ing.

The day of the next event came and we went into action mode, rushing (stayed up way too late and drank too much) it ended up being a frustrating waiting game that seemed to last forever. The simple normality and intimate closeness those four and a half (give or take) hours brought us, elevated us too new depths, my eyes are wet just thinking about it. The next bit was easy for me, large gin and tonic followed by ice and I was awake talking bollocks to a nurse. I can only imagine what hell it was for her. I’ll never forget, I can never repay her. Fuuck

Urine test, a wheelchair, cigarettes and a taxi had us back in bed, patient and nurse style for real, routine and alarms set, documentation read and understood, I just laid back and was tended to. Another round of things I can never repay. The days blurred, not just from meds but from love, experiences, orgasms (sorry), eating (in a phone box), dancing, pointing, laughing, stealing, being ejected, no sleep, sunrises, sunsets, fireworks and messy rooms. More ginger biscuits too (because she likes them). That time was over and we moved again, gingerly (yup) we dragged our belongings to the next stop, an epic journey in sweat pants. I found my next sick bed before trying to work and failing. We spanned timezones and worked alongside each other, smiling, discussing, plotting, supporting and massaging (also making a mess and plenty of orgasms – sorry too).

The plan went loosely as expected until her fever hit and wouldn’t subside, scouring shelves for any type of medication to work, 4:30AM found me calling for help and roles were reversed, a little repayment perhaps? Anxiety, fear, sickness, pain, research, more fear, panic, vomit, meds, juice, crackers followed, cancelled flights and a break in fever saw the booking of a new hotel, new crackers, more meds and careful Uber trips out as strength returned. The extension allowed us to attempt to start the next part of the plan and we learnt a lot, danced a lot, made love a lot and broke more boundaries. It never stops.

One moment walking hand in hand, it hit me like a sledgehammer, it felt so right, so normal, so.. words fail me.. that it was as if we had been together forever, we finished each others sentences, we know what we are thinking (most of the time) it felt like we were married (in all the good ways and none of the bad) we were connected, as one, inseparable.

Inseparable, connected, as one until the moment came to separate. Not sad to see each other go, simply bereft, numb, empty, incomplete, inconsolable. We separated and sobbed silently in our own spaces, a few hundred yards apart but incomplete. I cried and prayed, we texted sporadically but knowing this was a moment of no return, I need her now, more than ever, I will never feel complete without her. 6000 miles now seems irrelevant, I carry my passport in my pocket at all times, just in case. It’s just a matter of how much time I can bear to wait.

To my soul mate, the part of me that isn’t here. “I love you” is not enough, but I do, with all of my being, every part of me physically aches, I am sick to my stomach without you, unbearable. I need you.

Universe, God, I am praying almost constantly, please help, I implore you.