Words fail me, I try to be cool, calm, focused on other tasks but it fails. I’m a wreck when we are apart, our last journeys together brought us together and it felt like we had been together forever, so comfortable with each other, so aligned with our tasks, a great team, it felt like we would never be apart, inconceivable to be so. Being teamed with a goddess empowers me, powers me, activates me, electrifies me and then we are apart even with every attempt to change it. I’m bereft.

Trying hard to stay powerful, attractive, not appear weak, I want her to want to be with me but the days are hard, watching the clock, waiting for her to wake up, knowing I can’t even communicate with her in the night is hell. I lay awake staring at our communication methods. Sending the odd message but trying not to appear so needy, sending, deleting, thinking, sending, deleting, repeat. I feel sure I’m growing less attractive by the second.

Often I numb myself with alcohol but it makes it worse, waking fitfully only to repeat the cycle and feel the anxiety grow. All that happens is I lose a night of sleep and am useless in the morning, sleeping too late or attempting to address the day like a zombie, no matter, only a few hours until she might be awake and I’ll be alive again for a while. Who thought of time zones anyway.

I’m desperate for her to continue wanting me, the opposite is unthinkable. Deep down, I know she does and our love is true, I re-read messages, replay conversations, I know, I know, I know but in the dead of night when I think of what she is doing during her day, my bastard imagination cuts me deep.

We have a plan, the beginnings of one anyway, and I feel positive and happy, planning, plotting, booking, smiling. Busy again, on something for us, I’m ok for a while. She is going to love my plans, I can see her smiling face, her laugh, her swing and spring. Together we will explore new places again. I wait to tell her to explain but fate deals us a blow where we cannot speak and I’m in a spiral again. A late morning and writing this affords me a smile but I know she’s a world away hurting in the dark and I cannot tell her, speak to her. Be strong , she’ll hate you weak. Be strong, it isn’t so long. Hard to keep that in your mind for long.

My intangibly beautiful deity, my heart aches for you. Please forgive my weakness, I’ll be better, I’ll try at least. I can’t wait to tell you of my plans (at least part of them). I’m here and waiting, it hurts me you might be hurting in the dark.

Lord, I pray to you to get her through the night, to transport her on her way in the morning when we can talk again. Please, I implore you.

Universe, what are you up to and what the fuck did you do to my Skype.