52 days, the same number of weeks in a year. If my math is correct that means it’s one seventh of a year. I won’t calculate hours or minutes, that will be meaningless. That’s the time it’s been since I breathed the same air as my Goddess, since I last said goodbye, in tears at an airport a long way away. I can still smell her hair as I held her (trying not to set her hair on fire) I can feel her pressed against me, I can feel her arms around me. I can feel how it felt to turn and walk away, sun glasses on inside, biting back the tears, heart racing and aching, where’s the bar?

I think about the time often, a little over seven weeks. It feels like yesterday that I was holding her hand, swinging and springing, turning to face her as we walk and smiling for no reason, buying drinks or watching football, eating buffet or playing slots “Buffalo!!”, meeting single serving friends and laughing until we cried or just crying until we made love. I wake sometimes surprised that she’s not here on my chest, then the days feel very, very long. 52 days seems an eternity and I feel every second stretching behind me like an abyss, I work hard to recall it like it was yesterday and reset the clock every day. “It was just yesterday” I tell myself, my heart isn’t fooled.

Science tells us time is a constant but theorists argue and science fiction writers love to play with the concept of time travel all the time. Don’t dismiss it just yet, imagine if you told my grandfather about an iPhone – sheer black magic he’d think. Time travels quickly in the morning when you are in a hurry but, if you are waiting at a red light or waiting on a message or even a delivery driver, every second stretches to it’s limits. Perhaps this is perception but I like to think there is a some time distortion going on, that way I can believe that it will be just a few seconds before I see her again. My heart, soul and body are eager and hopeful.

I often speak of the Universe and how aligned I felt with her as things seemed to be provided at my (our) will, a simple visualization would reap rewards in a miraculous moment, I’ve obviously fallen off track here. Need to return to that focus. I pray often and it gives me some solace but I think God has bigger things to concern himself with over Christmas, I’ll keep trying.

To my love, my lover, my Angel, my Goddess, I miss you with every fibre of my being. Going to sleep without you is hard but it brings a nothingness until the morning, waking without you is just as hard. Perhaps I should sleep more. I feel sure we’ll be together soon, God, the Universe, whatever, will steer our paths if we don’t lose faith. I’m counting the seconds as if I’m counting down not up. I love you, you are my guiding light.

God, you’ve seen and heard from me more in the last 52 days than in the last 12 years, I’m sorry for my absence, please forgive me and help me to find the path, make her well and keep her safe long enough for me to get to her, I’ll keep praying.

Universe, I’m back! Help me find the Super Will again and keep my mantras focussed, I know you have something up your sleeve, show me.

PB WA CS ILY IMY