Every time we are together it changes, evolves. Each time a new strength to our bond, new boundaries broken, new experiences shared. This time there was a palpable paradigm shift. Our meeting was as full of elation as always but also a huge sense of relief, I could breath again, holding her felt so right. I felt complete again. Hand in hand from the airport was just as fuelled by passion and expectation but also a sense of normalcy, correctness, fate, how things should be.

We talked and drove, discussed single serving flight neighbours and mouth breathers, real estate prices, steam trains and parking spaces (and prices!). Holding hands and drinking, walking, shopping, laughing, watching the world around us as if it (and everyone in it) were just there for our amusement (which of course they are). We browsed and pointed, touched and kissed, drank and held one another. Strolling and smiling, happy again. Another city, different people, places, experiences, who lives like this. We do.

As we stared at the edge of the land and surveyed the horizon over the sea, passion started to rise and with a small diversion to gamble, smoke and drink, we headed for our next destination, the atmosphere thick with expectation and anxiety of what was due to come in the next few hours and days. The countryside had dangerously narrows roads with cars driving too fast and after some back tracking we found the spot I’d longed to share. The green countryside spread far and wide for us to enjoy, passion became too much to hold back and things took and incredible turn, more firsts for us plus some minor clothing casualties. Oh my fucking god. We laid in our (public) bubble for a while enjoying our racing pulses slowing before heading on to the next, more serious part of the plan.

The drive was long and fraught with emotion, concerns, anxiety but we beat it together, a few tears, pleading and plan discussions we arrived, pleasantly surprised at our home for the next while. Plenty of holding, laughing, talking, ginger biscuits and so much “oh My God” – ing.

The day of the next event came and we went into action mode, rushing (stayed up way too late and drank too much) it ended up being a frustrating waiting game that seemed to last forever. The simple normality and intimate closeness those four and a half (give or take) hours brought us, elevated us too new depths, my eyes are wet just thinking about it. The next bit was easy for me, large gin and tonic followed by ice and I was awake talking bollocks to a nurse. I can only imagine what hell it was for her. I’ll never forget, I can never repay her. Fuuck

Urine test, a wheelchair, cigarettes and a taxi had us back in bed, patient and nurse style for real, routine and alarms set, documentation read and understood, I just laid back and was tended to. Another round of things I can never repay. The days blurred, not just from meds but from love, experiences, orgasms (sorry), eating (in a phone box), dancing, pointing, laughing, stealing, being ejected, no sleep, sunrises, sunsets, fireworks and messy rooms. More ginger biscuits too (because she likes them). That time was over and we moved again, gingerly (yup) we dragged our belongings to the next stop, an epic journey in sweat pants. I found my next sick bed before trying to work and failing. We spanned timezones and worked alongside each other, smiling, discussing, plotting, supporting and massaging (also making a mess and plenty of orgasms – sorry too).

The plan went loosely as expected until her fever hit and wouldn’t subside, scouring shelves for any type of medication to work, 4:30AM found me calling for help and roles were reversed, a little repayment perhaps? Anxiety, fear, sickness, pain, research, more fear, panic, vomit, meds, juice, crackers followed, cancelled flights and a break in fever saw the booking of a new hotel, new crackers, more meds and careful Uber trips out as strength returned. The extension allowed us to attempt to start the next part of the plan and we learnt a lot, danced a lot, made love a lot and broke more boundaries. It never stops.

One moment walking hand in hand, it hit me like a sledgehammer, it felt so right, so normal, so.. words fail me.. that it was as if we had been together forever, we finished each others sentences, we know what we are thinking (most of the time) it felt like we were married (in all the good ways and none of the bad) we were connected, as one, inseparable.

Inseparable, connected, as one until the moment came to separate. Not sad to see each other go, simply bereft, numb, empty, incomplete, inconsolable. We separated and sobbed silently in our own spaces, a few hundred yards apart but incomplete. I cried and prayed, we texted sporadically but knowing this was a moment of no return, I need her now, more than ever, I will never feel complete without her. 6000 miles now seems irrelevant, I carry my passport in my pocket at all times, just in case. It’s just a matter of how much time I can bear to wait.

To my soul mate, the part of me that isn’t here. “I love you” is not enough, but I do, with all of my being, every part of me physically aches, I am sick to my stomach without you, unbearable. I need you.

Universe, God, I am praying almost constantly, please help, I implore you.