BirthdayS

So many things to say and ask.. Words are still so jumbled but they are still coming.

To be continued…

CS (ever) ILY (always) IMY (every minute of every day)

Touch

The dictionary definition of “Touch” suggests simply: “an act of touching someone or something” or “come into or be in contact with” but in my mind that definition is a universe away from what I think when I consider the word touch.

I think of the first time we touched, really the first significant touch, I’d shaken her hand, even hugged goodbye and I know she remembers me taking her hand with both of mine as we said goodbye at the bus stop but.. I know she’ll know the moment she put her arm in mine as we walked up the slope in Chicago. I’ve spoken and written often of that moment but it remains such an anchor for me, the feeling of hope and happiness, perhaps a beginning of something more and oh boy, I wasn’t wrong. That feeling of elation and joy had me walking differently from this day to now. She looped her arm in mine again that night as we ran and laughed in the rain under the smallest umbrella until it broke and we laughed out loud at the mess.

I think of the first time we touched lips, another moment I’ll never forget, her soft beautiful lips I’d been craving, the feeling of elation as I’d never felt worthy, that night and the following morning held plenty more “touches” of course! Looking back, knowing her as I do now, I take those moments with even more gratitude and reverence as she shared herself with me, blissful

As I spin through our adventures, so many of the most significant touches are actually quite simple, from just standing close on escalators, providing a feeling of support and protection to feeding each other olives. From the grip of her hand on my arm as she fed swans and screamed to bumping knees and thighs as we sat on bar stools, mostly when we are together, we hold hands constantly, a silent “I love you” constant and unbridled, the physical representation of togetherness and partnership, I love holding her hand, more bliss. I think of the times I touched her forehead for fever, and revelled whenever it passed, I think of touching her hair, whether to stroke and calm or belled in my hands. I think of the last massage she gave me and smiled as she looked down on me, I think of massages I gave to her and gave me unlimited access to touch her perfect body

Of course I can talk of more intimate touches that surpass anything I’ve ever imagined and maybe this isn’t the place but I’ll tell you that her silken skin is perfect, her lips, her neck, her shoulders, her hips, her calves, her feet, (and EVERYTHING in between!!), give me electric sensations when we touch and I dream of them over and over, whether her skilful hands on me or her skin under mine.

All of these words culminate in the thing I crave most, just sitting together with legs or knees touching, whether we are eating, playing, debriefing, or just sitting by a river near a castle. Reaching out in the night to touch a hand or just skin, waking with her on my chest or stroking my fingers on her arms, holding her when the thunderstorms come or a bad dream has woken her, simply I crave her touch, every.single.day

To you, my gorgeous girl, thank you for that first touch, for every touch since, I miss your touch more than you could possibly imagine and I reach for you every night when I wake in the dark

To the Lord, thank you for blessing my life with the woman whose touch has lifted me up and made me whole, I pray each day with thanks and implore you to bring us together so I can enjoy that touch always

The Universe, you did a good job in 2022, keep it up, it’s a new year!

ILW IMY INY ALJ

Once In A Lifetime

We all go through our lives, often living day to day happily enough, waking to the alarm and heading to work, doing our best to absorb ourselves in the tasks at hand, taking meetings and playing the appropriate persona for the task at hand, secretly counting the minutes until quitting time. When the conceptual bell rings for the end of the day, we head away from our desks, perhaps a drink with colleagues or a commute, perhaps sometimes straight to chores and cooking. The next day seems like groundhog day and, we think of our invented hopes and dreams, vacation plans, career aspirations, realty plans and press through our lives with perceived contentment assuming this is what serenity looks like. It is only when you cross paths with someone that makes you see the world differently do you realize that your perception of contentment was simply way underestimated.

I try to think of the moment I knew for sure and as I spin through my memories, I can picture where I was the first time I spoke to her, even then, in a professional conversation, I found myself enchanted and absorbed. I found her so easy to talk to and the phone call flew past, we talked strategy and experience, documentation and functional approaches, we both laughed and her smile was audible. I can picture walking with her to a bar after work, she chose the same cocktails as me and we sat together always. I can picture making her laugh out loud as we walked together along sixth, we walked slowly together away from the others. I can picture sitting opposite as she visited the office here and feeling excited and nervous, I can picture walking on damp cobbled streets to the pub together, feelings of protection emerging. I can remember the growing excitement as I looked forward to our weekly hours meeting (we eventually dubbed it “Couch time”) and it was always my favorite time of the work week. I can picture eating salad for lunch and she teased me with her business that may make me embarrassed, the feeling I felt when sat opposite her was pride and intrigue, way more than colleagues now. I can feel her hand as I said goodbye to her at the bus stop and I feebly tried to get her to stay out, the feeling of regret as her bus drove away and wish I’d taken the risk of being more insistent given hindsight of course. I can still feel my heart pounding as I asked her to stay and “Hang out”.

I think of the vivid memory of texting with her as she tried to find the bar we were at, the feeling of anticipation so strong, my heart racing as she finally walked through the door. Another moment of a failing confidence as I escorted her to her room and made sure she was safe. The feeling of sadness and regret drove the following day until she sat with me at the bar and later linked her arm in mine. Of course I have to mention our rain soaked run back to the hotel, broken umbrella and just laughing in the rain. Our eyes locked in the bar and even I knew it was time, to kiss her passionately and we’ve never looked back. A night of laughs and passion, Velcro and strings, of “no no no” and “oh”. As I think of the morning and the sofa of course, one of my favorite moments was waking in her arms and as we locked eyes, I knew it wasn’t a mistake on her part and finally our mutual longing had come to fruition.

I think of the time she told me she’d booked “OUR” flights as I waited in anticipation. I think of making her a ring and asking to be my girlfriend, I think of the time we laughed until we cried, of all of the times we’ve laid and listened to music together, I think of the time she said “Happy Birthday Baby”, I think of the time I simply asked her to hold me. I think of EVERY time we’ve been passionate, in more ways we could think possible, always exploring and evolving. I think of making her come without even touching her, I think of how hard it became goodbye, more and more every time.

I say all this to say, I think I knew all along that she was special and my feelings for her were greater than friends, along the way it became clear to me she was the “Once in a lifetime” love, the partner that balanced me and I balanced her too, the partner that brings my strengths out and I support her in every way. From love to passion, from vacation to career, from health to mind, from intellect to mutual fascination. The love of just holding each other and feeling the world fall away to losing ourselves in a passion never known before. Perhaps it was the moment I went to the airport after our first night and I knew I walked differently, the feeling of walking on air and the birth of Super Me, perhaps it was the moment I told her “I Can’t Stop thinking about you” and she replied the same. Regardless, I know for sure she / we / us, is simply a Once In A Lifetime love and I thank her, I thank God, I thank the Universe for ensuring our paths crossed, from that first phone call to the present day I feel blessed and.. I still walk differently!

To my Angel, you are my “Once in a lifetime”, you make the world different, the world incredible and make me strive to be better every day. Together I feel unrivaled desire, longing and love, thank you, I love you

Lord, I thank you often for her, for bringing her into my life and giving her the confidence to share her love, her secrets, her desires with me. Please bless us for evermore

Universe, good work these last few months, our visits are getting closer together, I see what you are doing, keep it up

ILY IMY IWY INY

Kisses

Kisses are something we’ve all grown up with, from a parent kissing a hurt better to greeting Grandma at Christmas, but when you meet the one person you are meant to be with, they take on a whole new meaning. The concept of sharing emotion with a physical offering is never to be diminished but when it comes from your someone, it is manifested so very differently. 

My Goddess kissed me, what feels like forever ago, it was intoxicated and passion fuelled but so very, very, very, long in waiting. We locked our lips together and forgot about the world, cared not if there was anyone to see us just focussed on ourselves, finally showing our feelings for each other in a physical way. I don’t write this because of passion (and there is plenty of that) but because it felt so right, I’m still reeling from that feeling to this very day, nothing has ever felt more perfect than kissing her in that bar. Apparently I waited too long to make my move but that didn’t spoil that moment, sorry my love!

Since that first moment, we’ve kissed a million times. We’ve kissed with passion, we’ve kissed with adoration, we’ve kissed with support, we’ve kissed because we love each other’s minds or something we’ve just said, we’ve kissed because we were leaving the room, we’ve kissed just because. I think often of that first moment when we kissed like we were going to explode but really it’s not nearly the most memorable, nor the most meaningful (I’ll never forget it though).

As I write this, I think of so many kisses and running backwards though time, from saying goodbye at the airport when she couldn’t let me go or stop kissing me, through kissing me passionately and encouraging me (you know the way) until I was unable to resist, to just kissing her forehead before she joined a conference call with a “thank you” whispered before joining. I guess what I’m trying to say is, simply placing my lips on hers, or her forehead, or her calf, or her eyelids, or her shoulders or, or, or, feels so innately natural to me. The taste of her is perfect and I’ve never wanted to kiss someone more, I thank god and the universe every day for bringing us together, I only hope my kisses feel as good to her as they do to me.

My Angel, I’ve never felt so at one, so perfectly aligned with everything than when I’m kissing you, from that first day, through Dallas (kiss me like you want to be kissed) to Florida and saying goodbye (there’s a LOT of in betweens!), I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life adding more to my list

God, thank you for bringing her into my life and showing me what kisses can be, a simple touch of lips from one to another is like a blissful union every time, thank you

The universe, I need more kisses, can you make it so

ILY, IMY, INY ALJ

Hole / Whole

A business trip had me travelling to London, such a shock to the system to set an alarm at 5AM, iron a shirt, travel and rub shoulders with other commuters on the packed tube again after not having done it at all for so long. Although long days of standing around and even longer nights were ahead, those weren’t the things that most bothered me, it was the fact that I couldn’t see or talk to my beautiful angel except in snatched moments. We did our best to navigate and did manage to fall asleep to one another once at least. Those three days felt like the longest in a very long time and I couldn’t run back to her fast enough and the weekend faster.

The experience was surreal, being back in the world with other people again and I was feeling insular and contemplative, it was like I was watching the world rather than interacting with it. I found myself talking to my gorgeous girl in my head all the time from looking at amusing people to interesting architecture, from riding the escalator to making single serving friends, from passing places we’d been before, to inspecting the hotel room with floor to ceiling windows just like ones in our past, I even turned my head to catch her eye a few times to find she wasn’t there! When I did that the first time, it was such a powerful sensation, to find her not there, that I felt the distance between us in all its magnitude, I felt annoyed at the world for leaving me with an hole where she should be, an amazing, perfectly formed, three dimensional, intellectual, pretty, sexy, gorgeous, sized hole. The sensation still haunts me, but it was so much worse then. It’s easier to manage when I’m back in my office, surrounded by memories of us, especially when I can gaze down at her, virtually at least.

The hole wasn’t just physical though, I felt numb, my discussions with colleagues performed on auto-pilot, the world rushing by in black and white somehow, my smiles were fake and I’m not sure I laughed once. Achingly missing her with everything I am and just quietly counting the long minutes until I could see her again. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but, this time something more profound went on for me, from feeling like I need to be with her, to feeling like I’d never be quite whole without her. I write this now with a smile as I think of the last day I woke with her and the last day I held her, the sensation of everything just feeling right, so normal, perfect in fact, when she is at my side, in my arms and and and. The feeling of the hole just magnified the opposite, the feeling of completeness when I’m with her, just have to find a way now.

As if that wasn’t enough, after a long commute back to our “shrine” and finally we could have a few minutes to talk excitedly, I felt it all come rushing back, the numbness replaced by tingling, nerve endings alive, from my mind to my body, someone had switched the color back on! I know that sensation was minute in comparison to when I next lay eyes on her, wrap my arms around her again, not sure I’ll be able to stop! But.. for now, I know the hole is there and as I suppress it, I let it remind me of how she makes me feel whole, how powerful I feel when she’s with me how we balance each other and make everything right with the world, how every day is an adventure, especially the mundane ones

My darling, my goddess, you are my balance, my love, my incredibly sexy girl. I miss you with everything I am and now I have a “you” sized hole that needs filling to make everything right with the world and to make us whole. I can’t wait for that sensation of perfection again, YOU make that happen from your intellect through your beauty to your passion and everything in between. Another day closer my love

Lord, I thank you often for bringing this angel into my life, for showing me that everything else pales into insignificance in her shadow, I hope you can find a path to make us both whole again

The Universe, well, you had a go in November, but you seem to have been sleeping since, come on, I’m waiting

ILYALJ IMYALJ CS

It’s Coming

Yes, it’s coming. After what feels like a lifetime apart, the day we’ve both been waiting for is coming, exact dates and details remain to be decided but it’s coming and, at the rate the days are flashing past, it’ll be here in no time. I’m alternately walking on air and panicking like a silly schoolboy but always with a pounding heart and a grin on my face (and and and).

For what seems like an eternity, the world, the universe has held us apart, but we’ve never given up, through good times and bad, joy and sadness, sorrow, and celebration, we’ve endured, our love, our connection, our passion intact. Every day I wake, I lay in the dark and try to imagine holding my Goddess again, I can smell her hair, her skin, as if it were yesterday and I get goosebumps at the thought of holding her tight against me again. I worry that she’ll be disappointed by me in person after so long but she tells me often that that is a silly thing to worry about. I try hard to feel worthy and wake the Super Will she made and pray that I’ll see her face soften and smile when I step through the arrivals gate. Honestly, I feel that’s truly the case, a love like ours that has endured such impossible obstacles will outlast anything and I’m grinning at the thought of that moment when I see her beautiful eyes again, true bliss that makes everything pale in comparison.

Every day, my mind works overtime, running scenarios from the moment we see each other, through locked door passion and subsequent room service or bringing her breakfast (juice with ice of course) to mundane tasks we’ll do together in the future. I’ve pledged my life to her often and can’t wait for the first moments to start. I’m alternately “cooking with gas” and working chores and tasks like I’m walking on air and then finding myself unable to operate, stopped in my tracks as I think of together, from simply holding her hand to something way more pornographic, I’ll be mid-sentence on a call or stocking the refrigerator and I’ll just be frozen in step, grinning my silly grin as I imagine the love of my life in my arms again. It can’t come fast enough but now.. I know it’s coming and I’m thanking God, the Universe, anything I can think of to be honest, thank you everything.

When I think of everything we’ve endured with the distance between us, it seems so insignificant now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, every day or moment that passes feels like a dream, everything around me is a blur and even colors seem brighter. I’m walking the walk that she caused in me all those months back, walking with a purpose and finding the Super Powers she created. I’m ready to kneel at my deity’s feet and shower her with my love (and anything else she wants), I’m striving to be good enough for her, but time is running fast, trying for good diet and press ups and anything else to be the best I can, craving that beautiful smile. I know in my heart it doesn’t matter to her but she deserves the best I can be, likely better, but I plan to do the best I can, I’ve never felt a love, a passion, like I feel for her, it feels so right, so perfect, I can’t wait to be worshipping her in person, it’s coming and I’m grinning, not just with my face but with my body, heart and soul, my very being is grinning

I’m constantly thinking of how, when we are together, a sideways glance or just locking eyes causes us to know exactly what we think, like a psychic connection, connected at the soul level, smiling wordlessly at each other. I can’t wait for that silent connection and wish she could feel my excitement, my passion, my love right now. If she could look in my eyes (oh her beautiful eyes) she’d know, she’d see the sparkle, the excitement, the love, the passion as plain as day and I know I’d see it back, nothing will matter when we get to look in each other’s eyes again, that I know for sure

My Goddess, I am always at my knees to you and can’t wait to be holding you again, thank you for enduring and keeping our love (and and) alive, I can’t wait to see your eyes, your smile, your body in person, it’s coming, I love you

God, thank you for all you’ve done to keep us close, open, evolving all this time. I think this was part of your plan and.. Thank you for showing us a path to the next chapter, thank you

Universe, well, you took your time…

ILY IWY INY ALJ

Out of Body

She once told me that our morning in Paris, when we held each other and looked deep into each others eyes, lost in each other, in our mutual passion, for what felt like was forever, was a mind blowing, out of body experience. When she said that, I was lost for words. To hear that the woman I hold in such high regard, my goddess, my angel, telling me I blew her mind, that we experienced something together never experienced before was one of the most incredible moments of my life, it changed me forever. To know that not only was I hand in hand with the goddess I hold so dear but to know that I transported her, elevated her to a transcendental state, I’ve always wanted to please her, to be the best, the first, the only in so many ways but those words… Forever they will change me.

Whenever I speak with her, whether it’s walking without care at the weekend or a quick local walk in the morning or a snatched few minutes in her office, I am transported, my surroundings blur and fall away as I put all my focus on her, all my concentration on where she is, what she is wearing, listening to the nuances in her voice, “Don’t try to work me out” she often says, but of course I will, I am, trying to read the expressions on her face without seeing them, working out how she feels and what she needs so I can do my best to fill the gaps, hold her remotely, give her support, praise, love, empathy, passion, whatever she needs. Whenever I speak to her, it’s an out of body experience for me as I focus on her and transported to her, picturing her and listening to her, the cadence of her speech, the speed of her footsteps, the noises of her surroundings, the speed of her breath, my world falls away and am irritated by anything that brings me back to my reality and breaks my thread of consciousness holding us together.

When we speak, I feel as though I am with her, holding her hand, swinging and springing or just gently touching fingers, I know how that feels and every day I feel it again when we connect, I throw myself, my heart and soul into our connection and hope beyond anything that she feels my hand in hers, my arms around her. It’s been more months than I care to mention since I held her hand for real, since we walked, slow, fast, swinging, turning heads and smiling, reaching back to guide her safely, walking with her and allowing the world around us to amuse us as we sneak wry smiles or eye rolls and I can be there in a blink of the eye when I want, I know how that feels. I’d give anything to have her hand in mine again, to feel how powerful it makes me feel to have my deity allow me to guide and support her but, for now, I hope she feels it as I do, virtually, sent across the vast distance, with nothing more than our minds.

I cannot forget her touch, her hand in mine or mine in hers, her beautiful soft skin under my hands, her mouth on me, but it is not lost on me the power of our connection if after so long apart we are stronger and just as passionate, closing our eyes and being together almost every day, it must mean something that we’ve not touched other over twice as long as when we could and yet our love is still strong and our passions still run high, we are meant to be, that much seems obvious to me, I hope she feels the same.

To you, my Goddess, my Angel, my beautiful girl, I ache for you, I yearn to take you to another level, to another out of body, mind blowing place, more firsts and bests, to make you speechless, but mostly to hold your hand. I hope you feel transported every day and thank you for allowing me to try, you are truly amazing and I am forever in love with you.

Lord, I know you have a lot of things on your hands right now but please make her feel me, my love, my hand in hers, my support and gratitude for her every day. I thank you for bringing us together, I implore you to bring us together again, I am forever in your debt.

Universe, seriously, it’s time.

ILY IMY INY Feel me

Five

There are so many things that remind me of her, of us, everything from significant signs, the moon in her sky, the sun setting for me as it lights her day, the star that appeared over her as I stared West, a similar one she took a photo of for me. Rainbows; I know how she loves them and what they mean to her. Music; songs we’ve shared and some with poignant lyrics that stop me in my tracks. More than once, I’ve involuntarily burst into tears when a song played on the radio. Even the mundane, a mention of a place we’ve been, a TV show that has a city or even a street, a bridge we’ve visited and walked together, dates and times, powerful memories, counting hours, days months since that time or this time, always transported to her, instantly, viscerally, touch, taste, the warmth of her skin, the smell of her hair.

Of all the things that have meaning for us, it seems numbers play a big part often, but five appears a lot. May, the fifth month, the month we met in person for the first time, the following May when we first became so much more, when she first let me into her heart (and and). 503, our first room after the first night, the room where we tumbled and twisted and found each other, held each other, explored each other, still in the fifth month. 598, the room of the magical trip, the end of a gruelling week, a birthday treat, an incredible experience. Rockstar drinks, room service, Carlos and Mary and… No Ice.

315, another significant stay in not such an exciting location but always incredible when with her, it could be anywhere.

The number of states we explored together, during our first epic journey, guess what, five. Such an incredible, heartfelt, passionate trip, when she became my girlfriend and I fashioned a ring and placed it on her finger on bended knee. The target number of orgasms I aim to give her every day whenever we are together, three may be a good minimum but five is better ?

The number of hours we spend together on Saturday, talking, laughing, longing, loving, five glorious hours where nothing matters and anything goes, my favorite five hours of the week. The number of hours she spent with me on my (guess what) fiftieth birthday, with decorations and gifts in public. Five days of the week where we hold our breath and wait and long, snatching moments as we can can and count until our five hours arrives.

The number of hours she typically sleeps for before waking and wishing me a good day. There are no doubt so many more but there is obviously something significant about five for us, one of the hardest is, the number of months from the first moment in that first month, until the month I kissed her last, held her last, a few days and would have been six but seems like five was having it’s way. Perhaps it’ll be five days or weeks until we see each other again, holding her tight, nothing between us, I’ll never let go this time, my five fingers (ok one thumb) in hers, I’m counting and looking for fives.

To you, my angel, I love all of our significant things, dates, symbols, music and I love our fives, all of them, I know there’ll be more, many more, the universe is like that. Counting the minutes, the hours, the days, looking for fives, aching for you, feel my fingers in yours and dream of fives, perhaps you’ll think of more. I love you

My Lord, I am on my knees to you often and plan five prayers today. One to calm her, help her rest and be refreshed for the week ahead. One to give her strength and guidance during her challenging work week. One to thank you for bringing her to me, for lighting my life with her.  One to keep her safe always, from everything, Jack Rabbits to Storms to Coyotes. The last for guidance, to show us the path back together, bring her to my arms where she belongs. I implore you.

Universe, clearly you are trying to tell us something, seems like a clue, I feel like a I have a puzzle without the instructions, help me piece it together and hold her again, I need her. I’m watching and waiting for more clues, more fives.

ILY IMY CS

She

Last week was a strange week, bittersweet for sure. Circumstance meant our usual cadence, morning walks, listening to her sleepy voice, preparing her for her day wasn’t possible, but what I hadn’t imagined was that we would end up spending pretty much her entire day together often. Seeing her every day is something I yearn for of course, but it was far more than that. Pretty much from the moment she woke, I was there with her. A few words before her first call of the day and then simply there with her, like I was sitting at the desk next to her. I transitioned from my day to hers and listened in or watched her work, offering insight and encouragement in between calls, snatching lunch together and ultimately falling asleep as she pressed into her afternoon. Felt so close to her, never grow bored of her presence, her magic, her face, even wordlessly working together is fun, blissful.

I hope she felt comforted and supported by my presence, she certainly seemed at ease and even told me it would be lonely without me, but I feel deeply the care and trust she bestowed on me by just letting me be there all day, through good calls and bad, never once did she show anxiety by my presence, just love and smiles and rolling eyes occasionally. Such an incredible insight into her day, into her challenges, I truly gained an understanding of what she faces, to be honest I was mostly exhausted just listening and I rarely made it to five!

All of this is just a preamble to my post, setting the scene, something happened for me, a new comprehension, a paradigm shift in the way I saw her. Perhaps not so new but maybe I’d just forgotten. It’s taken me days to try and find the words to do it justice and not sure I will today but I had to try, to let it out, I hope I can.

It was late in the week and she was drained, you’d never know from her performance in meetings or on camera, always my pretty professional, always my angel, but I saw it. It was late in the evening for me and I lay and watched her face and it hit me. There she was, not just my angel, my goddess, but the person, the woman, the girl. Something in her face, softened by tiredness perhaps, but I felt closer than ever to her, a new understanding, something I’m struggling to explain. It was like her magic force field was down and I could feel her from the inside out (and I don’t mean that ?). In that moment it was like I flashed through her life, her childhood, her likes and loves and struggles and bruises, her wins and losses, her upbringing, her career, everything that would bring her to this moment, not just as my deity, but as the incredible person she is, the powerful woman she has become, the little girl inside, delicate, precious, vulnerable perhaps. I often avoid those kinds of words when describing her as she is so strong, so incredible, but its like I’d forgotten and was seeing her for the first time again. An amazingly powerful sensation, beautiful, I don’t think I’d felt so close to her ever before, in that moment, I just wanted to throw my arms around her and hold her tighter than ever before.

She remains my goddess, my angel, my everything, she has done so much for me, lifted me up to a plateau I never knew existed in every way, but I never want that to be a burden to her, another thing she’s supposed to live up to, I just want her to be her, I see her, I know her and I love her, with or without super powers. In so many ways that moment as I lay sleepily watching her, subtly changed my perception, my feelings impossibly deeper, broader somehow, it made me feel even more assured that we will be amazing together, not just the adventures, seeing new places, travelling the world, driving our careers and earning money. Not just the incredible passion, sex, evolution of our sexualities together. Not just the deep love and compassion but the downright normal, mundane, just sitting together, walking together, being together, sleeping together, just together and it will be blissful.

To you, my love. I will forever be in awe of you, you don’t need to try to always be my goddess, my angel, my deity, those come for free, I just wanted you to know, quite simply I love you, inside and out, from girl to woman to lover to divine spirit. I love you.

Lord, hold her and keep her safe, I am forever thankful for guiding her throughout her life, for helping her become what she has and for the beautiful soul she was born with. Thank you for bringing our paths together, I have every faith you’ll bring us back together soon, I am on my knees to you always.

Universe, I feel you, thinking you have something up your sleeve, you’ve been pretty quiet recently, time to show me what you’ve been up to.

ILY IMY IWY INY

365 Days

A year ago today, I woke with her in my arms, I knew what the day held and I didn’t want any part of it but we had to try. I don’t even have to close my eyes to picture the room we were in, the view from the window, the look of her eyes when she woke on my chest and looked up at me. She set alarms but I don’t think either of us slept enough for that. It was a gray and rainy day, fitting really. We packed and checked out in relative silence, going about our tasks in “auto”, shock, numb.

Looking back now, I flew to her on a whim, I actually asked for guidance from above and I felt sure I was supposed to do it, I’m so glad I did, I got to hold her, support her and bring her breakfast when she needed it most. Hold her hand and dance with her, amaze her in the bedroom(s) (not so much on the dance-floor) and lose ourselves to love just a little bit longer, if I hadn’t flown, I’d be writing this a while back and not been there for her, not experienced another place with her. I’m not sorry.

My heart and body aches to be so distant from her but although we’ve been physically apart, we’ve been together Every.Single.Day. We’ve endured pain, suffering, grief, loss, breakages, jobs won and lost. We’ve also grown together, experienced so much love, passion, evolution, money won and lost, did I mention passion, and passion and passion and ?.

Our passion and exploration of each other has never stopped, every day something new, sometimes a tiny thing and other times “bubble time” (as we call it) where nothing matters and anything goes. Sharing secrets and experiences never before told, sharing pictures and videos, sometimes simultaneously (thank you internet), never letting go, never giving up, I want her always, every minute of every day and I think she knows that. Maybe we’ve grown together more and faster than if we’d been together, our time is precious and snatched and time zones apart so we make the most of it always, squeezing in our angst and passion and frustration in bursts of love, togetherness, always.

I want her in my arms more than anything, I want to start the next chapter always, but we are navigating a crisis bigger than us and we are doing it, one day at a time, always hand in hand regardless of distance. We use metaphors and signs like the stars and the sun and dates and dreams to hold us together, every day, we cling to one another, thirsty and breathless for one another but always holding on. “One day closer”, I say every day and I believe that, we are meant to be together, I pray for guidance and she calls or texts within minutes, what more can I deduce?

Three Hundred and Sixty Five Days of love, of pent up passion, of wanting, of caring, of tears, just wait until I get her in my arms, who knows what’ll happen..

My Angel, My Goddess, my Gorgeous girl, I love you with all that I’ve got, I shower you with it as best I can and want you always (you’ve see the videos). Hold on my love, I’m running to you as fast as I can, just running stationary right now, like in a dream, still know I’m running, as hard and as fast as I can, the world will set me free soon and I’ll be there faster than you can imagine and I’ll be ready to wrap my arms around you, hold you, kiss you and and and

Lord, I’m praying to you frequently now. Keep her safe, make her well, give her strength, bring us together. I am at your mercy always, I’ll wait until the end of the earth for her but please don’t make me. Your servant always, let us love each other, I am on my knees.

Universe, I guess you are busy right now but I haven’t given up, show me the way, I love her, I need her. Please

ILY IWY INY CS NFM AFG