A year ago today, I woke with her in my arms, I knew what the day held and I didn’t want any part of it but we had to try. I don’t even have to close my eyes to picture the room we were in, the view from the window, the look of her eyes when she woke on my chest and looked up at me. She set alarms but I don’t think either of us slept enough for that. It was a gray and rainy day, fitting really. We packed and checked out in relative silence, going about our tasks in “auto”, shock, numb.

Looking back now, I flew to her on a whim, I actually asked for guidance from above and I felt sure I was supposed to do it, I’m so glad I did, I got to hold her, support her and bring her breakfast when she needed it most. Hold her hand and dance with her, amaze her in the bedroom(s) (not so much on the dance-floor) and lose ourselves to love just a little bit longer, if I hadn’t flown, I’d be writing this a while back and not been there for her, not experienced another place with her. I’m not sorry.

My heart and body aches to be so distant from her but although we’ve been physically apart, we’ve been together Every.Single.Day. We’ve endured pain, suffering, grief, loss, breakages, jobs won and lost. We’ve also grown together, experienced so much love, passion, evolution, money won and lost, did I mention passion, and passion and passion and ?.

Our passion and exploration of each other has never stopped, every day something new, sometimes a tiny thing and other times “bubble time” (as we call it) where nothing matters and anything goes. Sharing secrets and experiences never before told, sharing pictures and videos, sometimes simultaneously (thank you internet), never letting go, never giving up, I want her always, every minute of every day and I think she knows that. Maybe we’ve grown together more and faster than if we’d been together, our time is precious and snatched and time zones apart so we make the most of it always, squeezing in our angst and passion and frustration in bursts of love, togetherness, always.

I want her in my arms more than anything, I want to start the next chapter always, but we are navigating a crisis bigger than us and we are doing it, one day at a time, always hand in hand regardless of distance. We use metaphors and signs like the stars and the sun and dates and dreams to hold us together, every day, we cling to one another, thirsty and breathless for one another but always holding on. “One day closer”, I say every day and I believe that, we are meant to be together, I pray for guidance and she calls or texts within minutes, what more can I deduce?

Three Hundred and Sixty Five Days of love, of pent up passion, of wanting, of caring, of tears, just wait until I get her in my arms, who knows what’ll happen..

My Angel, My Goddess, my Gorgeous girl, I love you with all that I’ve got, I shower you with it as best I can and want you always (you’ve see the videos). Hold on my love, I’m running to you as fast as I can, just running stationary right now, like in a dream, still know I’m running, as hard and as fast as I can, the world will set me free soon and I’ll be there faster than you can imagine and I’ll be ready to wrap my arms around you, hold you, kiss you and and and

Lord, I’m praying to you frequently now. Keep her safe, make her well, give her strength, bring us together. I am at your mercy always, I’ll wait until the end of the earth for her but please don’t make me. Your servant always, let us love each other, I am on my knees.

Universe, I guess you are busy right now but I haven’t given up, show me the way, I love her, I need her. Please

ILY IWY INY CS NFM AFG