Last week was a strange week, bittersweet for sure. Circumstance meant our usual cadence, morning walks, listening to her sleepy voice, preparing her for her day wasn’t possible, but what I hadn’t imagined was that we would end up spending pretty much her entire day together often. Seeing her every day is something I yearn for of course, but it was far more than that. Pretty much from the moment she woke, I was there with her. A few words before her first call of the day and then simply there with her, like I was sitting at the desk next to her. I transitioned from my day to hers and listened in or watched her work, offering insight and encouragement in between calls, snatching lunch together and ultimately falling asleep as she pressed into her afternoon. Felt so close to her, never grow bored of her presence, her magic, her face, even wordlessly working together is fun, blissful.

I hope she felt comforted and supported by my presence, she certainly seemed at ease and even told me it would be lonely without me, but I feel deeply the care and trust she bestowed on me by just letting me be there all day, through good calls and bad, never once did she show anxiety by my presence, just love and smiles and rolling eyes occasionally. Such an incredible insight into her day, into her challenges, I truly gained an understanding of what she faces, to be honest I was mostly exhausted just listening and I rarely made it to five!

All of this is just a preamble to my post, setting the scene, something happened for me, a new comprehension, a paradigm shift in the way I saw her. Perhaps not so new but maybe I’d just forgotten. It’s taken me days to try and find the words to do it justice and not sure I will today but I had to try, to let it out, I hope I can.

It was late in the week and she was drained, you’d never know from her performance in meetings or on camera, always my pretty professional, always my angel, but I saw it. It was late in the evening for me and I lay and watched her face and it hit me. There she was, not just my angel, my goddess, but the person, the woman, the girl. Something in her face, softened by tiredness perhaps, but I felt closer than ever to her, a new understanding, something I’m struggling to explain. It was like her magic force field was down and I could feel her from the inside out (and I don’t mean that ?). In that moment it was like I flashed through her life, her childhood, her likes and loves and struggles and bruises, her wins and losses, her upbringing, her career, everything that would bring her to this moment, not just as my deity, but as the incredible person she is, the powerful woman she has become, the little girl inside, delicate, precious, vulnerable perhaps. I often avoid those kinds of words when describing her as she is so strong, so incredible, but its like I’d forgotten and was seeing her for the first time again. An amazingly powerful sensation, beautiful, I don’t think I’d felt so close to her ever before, in that moment, I just wanted to throw my arms around her and hold her tighter than ever before.

She remains my goddess, my angel, my everything, she has done so much for me, lifted me up to a plateau I never knew existed in every way, but I never want that to be a burden to her, another thing she’s supposed to live up to, I just want her to be her, I see her, I know her and I love her, with or without super powers. In so many ways that moment as I lay sleepily watching her, subtly changed my perception, my feelings impossibly deeper, broader somehow, it made me feel even more assured that we will be amazing together, not just the adventures, seeing new places, travelling the world, driving our careers and earning money. Not just the incredible passion, sex, evolution of our sexualities together. Not just the deep love and compassion but the downright normal, mundane, just sitting together, walking together, being together, sleeping together, just together and it will be blissful.

To you, my love. I will forever be in awe of you, you don’t need to try to always be my goddess, my angel, my deity, those come for free, I just wanted you to know, quite simply I love you, inside and out, from girl to woman to lover to divine spirit. I love you.

Lord, hold her and keep her safe, I am forever thankful for guiding her throughout her life, for helping her become what she has and for the beautiful soul she was born with. Thank you for bringing our paths together, I have every faith you’ll bring us back together soon, I am on my knees to you always.

Universe, I feel you, thinking you have something up your sleeve, you’ve been pretty quiet recently, time to show me what you’ve been up to.

ILY IMY IWY INY