I’m heading into London towards the rain, it’s going to rain all day. Fitting.

I said in the last post “I hope it’s not too late” well it was. Four fucking hours too late. My inability to stay awake much past nine let me down again. Fuck.

She needed me and I wasn’t there I was unconscious, unknowing. I feel her pain now, my own gut wrenching, soul twisting pain knowing I caused her sadness. Fuck

I woke at two but she didn’t want to talk, I don’t blame her, I failed. I hope she’s sleeping now and the hurt has subsided. I’ll not forgive myself, I would never knowingly cause her discomfort, I only want the opposite for her, us, rapture and bliss, euphoria and love.

Now the rain is coming, fitting, it matches my soul, it’s raining there too, i can feel the heavy dark clouds and drenching drops inside me. I used too many eyedrops this morning so I had an excuse for my wet eyes, guess what, those weren’t eyedrops rolling down my face. I’ve talked about the power of words before and in amongst her few words, there were 6, just.six that made me sick to my core. I know what she meant, I think, but they could be perceived all manner of ways. Now it is my turn to wait, trembling, buttoned up in my suit, searching for the micro nutrients to get my soul through the morning. Distractions aren’t working.

My precious, beautiful, magical gemstone. Forgive me for letting you down. I’m going to change my evening routine. No drink, no sitting in front of the computer or tv. Hell, no sitting at all! I hope we can talk today and I can kiss your figurative tears from here. I love you.

Universe, please be with her now, hold her and let my words whisper in her ears. Kissing the corner of that gorgeous mouth. Please universe, please.